As much as Khavur wished not to be an Orthoclase-Alpha, nor a Maximus, here he was learning the same lesson: to creatures who feel, to mortals, kindness could be crueler. The heart wasn't built for the change. But Khavur did have one saving grace, and that was the part of him that was his Master. The part ingrained — the monster. And yet, even the monster couldn't seem to take the questions that prodded too deep. "Why did you run away? What did you run from?" Those weren't questions for a monster, so the mortal part had to trudge and rip through the grave once more. Too many brains. Too much thinking. Why not more criticism? More to flinch at, more wincing, more fighting? If he could rebel against Master Vargas, why wouldn't Master Vargas rebel against him?
That was most certainly an arrogant thought, of the same line Master Vargas had mentioned. What criticism did come, Khavur took like a soldier. Wordless, breathless, as if talking to clay. With words and actions, he could be molded. I do not know what failure is, then. I was certain, for the longest time, that it was me... and Maximus. There was shock in that revelation, but surprisingly it did not run far. Even though it definitely should have. Electricity does not carry so far across earth. All that remained were echoes of a name: Maximus.
Because it was urgent, that is where Khavur focused first. He took it in, quiet despite his brimming heart, on the verge of disaster. It took him a moment of listening, thinking, absorbing... and then that mortal part of him felt like it was about to reel and spiral right out of his chest. But another saving grace; ration, reason, made it through first. "You spared them." There was no disbelief, although the tone could be read as such. In shock, or... awe? Mild awe. "Thank you." One head, the one not coated in oily black spires, bowed again, this time in humility. Genuine gratitude. The question of where Maximus was still remained, but the knowledge that, after everything, they had been spared... meant hope.
Unless Draconua had devoured that hope already.
That thought made part of Khavur's mood spike, boil rapidly, reach a fever pitch. Khavur slammed that part into the cold, solid ground and told it to focus on another name instead: V-Chaos-Six. Then, somehow, he- it- moved on.
"I... you are right, I do not know failure. I merely had... ideas of what it meant. That was arrogant of me, to think myself correct. I apologize. I..." don't know how to say this without it sounding like a criticism, "do not understand as much as I want to, about such things. Failure. Myself. If you remember, long ago I once asked you about strength, and you gave me an answer... yet I still do not know for certain what it means to be strong."
Khavur paused for a moment, looking uncertain, and feeling, of all things, numb. And then, from some source Khavur did not know about, somewhere above the chasm in which he dwelt, all that truth he had been building up... must have broken a dam and come pouring out. Down it fell, scattered words from the only maw he had left to speak with. "I suppose I do not know what to say." That was the first, and possibly the last lie Khavur would ever tell Master Vargas. He took a breath and went on before Master Vargas could interrupt:
"...It might be arrogant, but not knowing what a failure looks like, I assumed it looked like myself. Perhaps you do not see that in me, because for whatever reason I kept it hidden. I tried to find out about strength, and once I thought I knew, I forced it upon V-Labradorite-One and V-Zoisite-One. I tried to fight in the Deathmatch and lost in the first round, to a child as big as my hand. I tried to protect Maximus, from you, and from myself. I tried to build my strength, to build it in others, to earn freedom for us all, and I never once succeeded. In everything I attempted, none of it came to pass the way I had wished. All that you have given me — a rank, a purpose, a body — I have squandered. This is why I thought myself a failure. And I suppose, since you commanded my honesty and my loyalty, that I will tell you: that is what I ran from. Your judgement, and my mistakes. Just as" Orthoclase-Alpha did "a lesser creation might. One who does not belong amongst the members of the Forge. Yet, I could not bring myself to run away forever, almost entirely because I knew... there was nowhere else I belonged."
Whether it was human or monster, Khavur didn't know anymore. Maybe just an abomination. Maybe just a creature and a creator, unsure of what living was like, despite having lived so many cycles. Maybe Master Vargas would be able to see it in his eyes — thoughts, familiar and alien. Emotions, similarly familiar and alien. Honesty. Everything he had asked for, and more.
"I once thought, with my own definition of a failure, that a failure could change, or that circumstance and situation might change the way a failure is perceived. I thought that I could change, remake myself without your assistance or guidance. This..." he gestured to the spikes bursting from his flesh, "was my most recent experiment."
Perhaps there was one questions left, after this torment, this storm overhead. Why return? Why not continue living this mottled half life? Why place yourself on the scale already? Master Vargas was not pressing for those answers yet, and Khavur would not answer such a question unless it was asked of him directly. Only because he wasn't sure. He needed time. That was the ironic thing — the need of time that he was now forsaking. The whole ordeal, his whole life, had never felt more insignificant. And, in the bigger picture of things, that is exactly what it was. But to be aware of it can cause so much grief... no matter. He would attempt a poor answer now, imagining it to be the last answer he would have the opportunity to give. "I could attempt further experiments, but they take too long, and they have never been authorized. And they have never been successful. Now, I find, that they might have all been irrelevant as well. Either I was never a failure, or I am and by definition I can never change."
It was so rigid, so factual. Sometimes Khavur wanted proofs, evidence, reasoning. How vile, how orderly. But then, none of his answers ended up being concrete, or telling the full story. He remained a beast of chaos because of that dual nature, the way that it fought in his head, like the moon swallowing the sun and the sun swallowing the moon.
Once all of his spilling was done, he felt gaping and dry, like a fish on land. Now, now he did not know what else to say. Perhaps that was his invitation, at last, for the judgement he had spent all of this time fearing.
@Vargas