ORIGIN - We Don't Need Absolution

Pages: 1 2

Oliver had left Rift alone for as long as he possibly could. The urge to help had become more than maddening, so that he was having actual dreams about the mountain lion and his obvious suffering. Nightmares, really; but Rift had asked for time, and for space, and Oliver had respected that. He still wanted to; Rift knew where to find him, but that urge had become a compulsion, and he couldn't ignore it anymore.

He'd just... check in on him, that's all. He'd avoided Eridanus, for the most part, but his decision to come here now was also pressed by his need for fresh seeds, and he figured he'd reach out while he was here.

It took some searching. The cave, in addition to the thick white clots he had to maneuver carefully to avoid, was still lush withi foliage--though a lot of it was still glassy and white. But it meant the big cat could be anywhere, particularly with his camouflaged coloration. He hated to do it, here, but eventually he had to reach out with his magic. As before, it was jarring and unpleasant, feeling the twisted nature of so many of the plants now. It took time to sift through the sensations but at length he felt the pad of paws on soil, and the telltale receding of an area of Order. Is that him? It must be, he thought. It was his best lead, though, and he made his way through the forest in that direction.

He was not in his owl form, so flight didn't come easy to him; he stuck to the ground instead, picking his way over logs and through the bushes. He found Rift, eventually, cleaning a patch of fungus as he'd thought. Relief and dread both struck him: he was glad the cougar was okay, and that he'd found him, but... he didn't want to bother him. And he had a feeling that the conversation ahead (now, or in the future) would be very draining and very sad.

Oliver took a breath and called out, softly. "Rift-? I know you wanted... time alone, and I don't want to bother you, but. I was here, today, and... just wanted to ask if you're okay?"

@Rift

Rift felt mildly better today. It was an up and down. Some days he could barely drag himself out of his nest within the roots of the tree, languishing throughout the day, merely staring at the two crystals that he had set within a small hollow in the bark. Staring at them. Not eating or drinking or sleeping. Others, like today, he'd feel better and more active, more hopeful in a way. He'd spend time tending to the garden to cleaning more fungus from the tree, ever vigilant of the growing infection. It was a losing battle, but he would not relent.

He didn't hear Oliver approaching, intent on his task, so he flinched lightly when his name was called. He turned and something in his heart fell when he saw the dog hybrid approaching. The conversation he'd been avoiding for cycles now was coming. He knew they had to have it, but it was going to be...a lot.

Thankfully, this was a better day. Perhaps he'd be able to handle it.

He set all of his paws back on the ground and turned to fully face Oliver. "Hey," he said, his voice rasping a bit from disuse. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Hi. I'm...I wouldn't say I'm okay but I'm better, I think." There was an awkward pause before Rift glanced over towards the tree roots. "Um, do you want to sit down for a bit? I can get us some food...uh what do you eat?" Yeah, he was stalling but he figured it would be better to have this talk comfortable rather then just standing around.

@Oliver

The same vague sense of dread settled in him. If it hadn't been for the maddening compulsion to help, he might have never come here; or he might've made some soft excuse now and slipped away. But it was never really a choice. Not one that he could make. It was made for him, and it felt like a part of him twisted and tore irrevocably as he crept closer. He sat, almost hunched, studying Rift and then nodding, looking somehow both defeated and concerned. And that concern was genuine. Rift hadn't reached out, despite his distress; so far as Oliver knew he'd been sequestered here ever since Ursa.

"I don't need food, but... anything but meat? If you have fruit, or something?" he suggested, with a gentle shrug. He wasn't hungry... but like Rift, the brief distraction was a lifeline.

He waited, then, talking softly as he did. "I'm glad you're... better. Hopefully 'okay' comes, soon? I--didn't mean... I mean, I don't need to stay," he hastened to explain. "If you'd rather still be alone. But I wasn't sure if you wanted to... you know--talk."

Offer made; but it felt more like a noose or guillotine prepared. He steeled himself as best he could. Whatever happened next wouldn't be good. Putting it all off would be only staving it for a time, living with that threat looming just behind him. And actually plowing through it was bound to dredge up the pains of the past.

Maybe it was better to just get it over with.

@Rift

Rift nodded and stood. "Okay. Yeah, why don't you um. Make yourself at home, I'll gather a bit." His tail gestured towards the shelter beneath the tree roots where he made his home. There was only one bed of moss right now, but the grass was soft and springy and nice to sit on. In the meantime he bounded away into the garden, quickly gathering up whatever he saw first.

He returned with a mouth teeming full of leaves and flowers and thin branches of fruit. A quick look through would show a some wintercress and yarrow, a few peaches, blackberries and some other berries that looked similar to strawberries, and some dandelion greens and flowers. He set the bushel down on the ground and sat opposite of Oliver, quickly running the digesting magic through him that was second nature at this point and pulled a peach towards himself, absentmindedly licking and nibbling at it for a moment.

A stretch of silence. Rift ate a bit of dandelion. Stared at the peace for a bit and licked it a bit more before something shifted in him and he admitted defeat. A sigh as he looked up, looking utterly exhausted.

"Oliver, I...what happened? Between us, I mean? I...we were friends, right? I remember that. At least I remember that feeling of trust. But you didn't know, you never looked for me. Why?"

@Oliver

Oliver settled in, looking around himself quietly before sort of shuffling a hollow sitting spot from a nest of loose leaves. Rift's return was met with widened eyes and slight amusement. "That's a lot," he said, eyeing what was practically a full meal. "Thanks." He spent a moment trying this and that, pausing to tap into his magic so that he could fully digest some of the greens. It felt like only a few awkward seconds had ticked by when Rift asked his question.

Oliver looked up, staring at him for a moment, then swallowed the berry he'd had in his teeth. Trepidation overwhelmed him again, and a deep sigh shook his flanks. He looked down, narrow muzzle pointed to the food, his appetite suddenly gone. His stomach churned. He shook his head.

"I gave you the... short version. I can give you the long one, if you want, but..." He looked out, away, his gaze drifting unconsciously toward where the battle had spilled so much blood. "The... medium version, I guess? Is that--I mentioned Blackberry...?" Oliver looked at Rift again, blinking, and there was a deep sadness in his expression. "She was a goose. A... messed-up person. I don't-... I won't ever say someone's, like... beyond helping-..." He trailed off and took a breath, and shook his head again. "Sorry," he murmured. Damn. He'd barely gotten started and he was stumbling all over his words, but that was the effect those memories had on him. "Thinking about it at all, it's like... someone's turning out the lights. Like I'm having nightmares about it." He didn't know if Rift might've stopped him, there. He pushed on too quickly nonetheless. "She kidnapped kids. We don't know how many. She had some of her own, too, so... But everyone said--she liked to cause pain. To start fights. I don't know why. But her whole family was f-... Was messed up. They came here to kill you," he went on, and a drifting gaze snapped back to Rift, Oliver willing him to understand how horrible it had all been. "And we tried... to help. All of us. A lot of people got hurt, or killed. There was... blood. And burning. Her kids were screaming for help, or other ones were... laughing. Killing. A lot of Gembounds ended up in their chrysalises. A few ended up dead," he added. "Really dead. At least, I think so. I never saw them again. But-..."

Oliver closed his eyes. He was shaking, and hadn't realized it. Trembling with anger and fear all over again, remembering the shouts ringing out, the clumsy flight, falling, the stench of blood. He took a sharp, trembling breath, and tried to calm himself.

It took a few moments.

@Rift

As Oliver began weaving his story with frayed, damaged threads, Rift felt dread pooling in his stomach. Describing the screams, the blood, the fire, the horror of this battle that stained the ground of the tree they sat under now, it was like he was remembering along with him. He made to stop him at one point, seeing the pain it was causing him to recollect it, but Oliver kept on before he could get a word in.

One of his paws came up and touched the bark-mask on his face. He remembered...it wasn't always there. But someone had ripped lines deep into his skin, torn skin and fur and deeply-rooted plants, enough that when he awoke again, his body had reformed. An image flashed in his eyes. A springbok, falling to the ground, where he was already laying, dying. He remembered reaching with magic, but too weak to do anything as he watched green slowly encase her. He remembered his heart shattering.

It was bits and pieces, like distant memories of a nightmare he'd had in his youth. But they weren't a nightmare, they were real. Rift found himself reaching out a paw, to set on top of Oliver's. "Y-you don't have to continue. I-I...remember that. Kind of. Bits of it. It was...terrible. I thought the blood would never wash out of the ground."

@Oliver

Oliver took a shaky breath, looked at the paw on his own, then met Rift's eyes, and nodded. "Thanks," he said quietly. He tried his best to put those memories aside and move to what had come next. To not think about which of the Kingdom of Eridanus had fallen that day. Which of Blackberry's children had been killed or chrysalised.

Instead he tipped his head back, and thought for a moment, then looked at Rift again. "The reason I was... upset, then. Not really mad. Well-... I was mad, but... more upset. I'll get to that?" he half-asked, hesitating. His voice felt breathless. His mind felt like it was running away from him, like he had to chase it down and wrestle his thoughts free of it.

"We caught Blackberry. I mean-... I didn't!" he hastened to clarify, as if he didn't want to take credit for an act not his own. "But someone did and she ended up here. In a cage. And we... all of us... we didn't want to see her again but after what she did..? We were so upset. She was supposed to have a trial," he added in a near-whisper, and this held almost the echo of accusation as he looked at Rift. He fell silent for a beat, then swallowed and shook his head. "It would've been closure. Whatever we decided, it would've been closure. Like... justice had been done. Like we could forget our nightmares and know... the world had been made right. But then-..." He sighed. "Then we came back and she was gone. And you said you'd... made a deal with the Collector. You decided to let her go, without talking to any of us," and his tone now had become plaintive, almost pleading, as though the hurt were fresh. "She was just... gone. We didn't see her again and we didn't get any of that closure. Everyone who'd fought trying to save your life. Everyone who'd gotten hurt. Even ended up in their stones, we didn't... get that. We didn't get justice or peace of mind. I know... it's not your fault. You don't remember it. But some of us were really angry and... I was upset. Hurt. ...I guess the best word is betrayed. I felt betrayed. You had this decision you'd made, and you'd made it without the rest of us, even though it involved the rest of us. It felt like you'd decided one way or another that only you knew the right thing to do. That you didn't trust us, or care what we thought. If anyone else had done that to you... just let her go, without asking..." He took another sharp breath, one that caught and broke in his throat.

It took him another moment to finish. "I'm not mad. I'm not even sure I was, then. But it hurt. A lot. I still have nightmares, and... I thought maybe I wouldn't. If we'd... decided something. Whatever it was. Maybe I'm wrong but... that's why I left. I didn't want to see you again. It felt like every time I looked at you I'd be upset about it all over. So I went as far away from here as I could, and grew other gardens, in other caves. Do you know um--Huckleberry, he was one of her sons. He came with us?" he said, as if asking whether Rift remembered. "He ended up in Monoceros, with Mercy and I." He paused again, and blinked. "Sorry. I maybe gave you the medium-long version. I hope... you understand now? Why I didn't look. I didn't realize you were gone."

Belatedly, he wondered if Blackberry had had something to do with Rift's true death. And he wondered if Rift had thought of that already, or maybe would do so now. It wouldn't have surprised him, and it... would almost be justice, in a way. Letting a killer go on a unilateral decision was definitely something that could come back around and hurt you. It wasn't that he wanted that--not at all. But something had hurt Rift again. And he was only just realizing that maybe it'd been her.

@Rift

The further Oliver went into his story, the more agony threatened to rip Rift apart. He barely noticed that his claws had begun to sink into the ground. There had been some moments where some had referred to his past life and he could have seen himself doing those things. He could even remember. Is was...the same person. But this? Oliver could not be talking about him. He would never...he would never rob them of the closure they needed. He would never have dared to make decisions for them, as if he knew what was best. Would he even have been bold enough to go and hunt Blackberry down himself? He didn't even know the answer to that question.

What could he say to Oliver, after hearing that? How could he look at him and feel anything but guilt for the pain that he'd caused him and Mercy and all the other in the Kingdom? But I didn't do anything! was a small voice that cried out in his mind. But I did, even if I don't remember. said another.

He swallowed heavily, feeling sick, all of the food in front of them forgotten. "I'm....sorry," he whispered, quite lamely, and he knew even as he said it that it didn't even begin to cover it. "I can't believe I would......I understand. I'm not mad at you, for not looking. I wouldn't have either. And you...you have every right to be mad at me." He looked away, finding that he just...he couldn't look at Oliver right at this moment. Those pure, innocent eyes brimming with genuine love and care, cracked by trauma and betrayal and it was his fault.

He wanted to beat himself up for it. He wanted to pity himself for taking on this burden he hadn't asked for. He wanted to hate who he was - and he did, he hated him, because he was not him. They might have similar bodies and names, and he might have fragments of his memory, but he would not have made those choices. ...Would he?

He raised a paw, lightly dragging his claws down the bark-like keratin of his mask, remembering the open wounds and flesh and wondering how he could let the person who'd done that to him and similar to Oliver and Sebastian and Enka and maybe even Mercy go without even asking anybody else? Selfish. Selfish and entitled. Had he forgotten everything he stood for? Life, peace, happiness, and growth? Had he truly fallen so low to betray everyone close to him?

"I...you don't have to keep coming to see me, then. You can go back to not thinking about me, if that's what you want. I understand if you don't want to be friends. I don't want the past to keep getting dragged back. You don't deserve it."

@Oliver

Oliver glanced up as if surprised, and shook his head rather quickly. "No, you don't-... need to apologize. And it isn't that I didn't go looking, it's that..." He hesitated, trying to phrase it right. To make it make sense. "It's that I didn't know you were missing. I just... thought you were still here. Living around your tree, or... asleep in your stone. I'm not mad?" he added, as if it were a question, as if he wasn't sure Rift understood. "I just--you wanted to know, what happened and... that's it. That's what happened, I guess." He took a breath, and exhaled heavily. "I don't hate you, or anything."

And I'm not even sure you're... you. He still didn't understand how that worked. Maybe the Wishing Stone. That's all he could imagine it might be.

But he couldn't hold this Rift, a Rift with no memories, no history, responsible for any of that. Not as far as he was concerned.

For a moment he dipped his head down, nibbling on another berry halfheartedly as if to move on from all of this in a tangible manner. It tasted good, which was a nice distraction, and without thinking he blurted as much out: "These are good." And, awkward again, "...Thanks." A fidget, another berry, and he blinked up at Rift again. "Um. Have you caught up with other things..? Did you find anything out about Sebastian? I... don't know what happened to all the other -Berries--that's what Blackberry's kids called themselves, her whole family. I think she might still be around, but... like you, forgetting everything. I don't know for sure. I haven't seen any. Um. Geese, in a real long time. And you had... friends in other caves, I think. In Orion but-... I don't know if they were mad too." He stopped for a moment, mind drifting. "And the rest of the Kingdom of Eridanus... I don't know what happened to them. Do you?" Enka--when had he last seen her? He couldn't remember. Or their allies, like Envy--what had happened to them?

Time passed so quickly.

@Rift

He couldn't tell if it was Oliver that genuinely meant that, that he wasn't mad, that he didn't hate him, or if it was something within him that wanted to keep Rift happy at the expense of his own happiness. Something in him, however, interrupted - if he wanted to be friends, then he needed to have trust. And he did trust Oliver, despite the lack of concrete memories. So he accepted it, without questioning again, and a layer of tension in him seemed to relax. As Oliver dipped his head to eat more, so did rift, biting in properly to the peach, which was ripe, juicy, and sweet.

He smiled, the first genuine look of joy in quite a while, at Oliver's compliment. "Thank you. There is one thing I haven't forgotten and that's how to grow things." It was his core and his pride, his identity and his essence and without it he truly would not be Rift and he wondered if he needed anything else. He had been given another life, a second chance. Some power had brought him, completely impossibly, from beyond death. Free from the trauma that hounded his last life, free from his own mistakes that had to have weighed him down quite heavily. He didn't...have to punish himself because that wasn't him, not anymore.

He sat up just a little bit and something like peace flooded over his eyes. "I think...I think I might be okay. With...things. I'm still sad, really sad, but all I remember about Sebastian is that I loved him. We were brothers. But nothing else. I'm...I'm sad because I should be. But...if Sebastian were to appear here, would it be the same? I don't know." He shook his head. "The things you tell me about myself, I feel like that couldn't be real because I'd never do that. That's not me. But it was. It's confusing." He looked back up at Oliver, eyes widening marginally, but then settling. "Is she? I...hope she has forgotten, if she is. Maybe she was given a second chance too. I don't know what she did to deserve it, but I'd like to think that's what this is. A second chance, to do things right, or at least better then before." He didn't know what he had done, either, to deserve it, but he would not let it go to waste.

He sighed. "Unfortunately, I've been...a little squandered here. Processing, trying to come to terms with everything. And fighting this damn infection." His tail flicked lazily towards the trees, where white could be seen just beyond. "I have seen Huckleberry, though. He came by just a few days ago and...it was...something happened. Some strange magic let us give each other a gift. I gave him a new purpose - it gave him an image of Cassiopeia, and that's where he went. But the rest?" Another melancholy look past across his face. "I don't know. I hope they're okay."

@Oliver

Pages: 1 2