ORIGIN - me, i'm not

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Content Warning
This post contains potentially sensitive material:

strong language

Her eyes were bleary.

Kera hadn't slept since she woke up-- which, in fairness, hadn't been long at all. She had no idea how much time had passed. Days? Weeks? Years? The last thing she could dimly remember was speaking with Vargas, the Overseer, and being told that she'd be his hand. Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. There was a good chance, as things often were, that Vargas wasn't even alive anymore.

Everyone she knew eventually died or faded away, it seemed. Things were blurry to her now, but she could dimly remember faces. Alan, Aztec... were there more...? she wondered. How did they--? Oh.

Oh.

Right.

Blackberry was hard to forget. Kera never attended her trial, never found out if she lived or died. Something... made her feel sick when she thought about everything that'd happened with her and Blackberry. Anger, certainly. How many people had she killed? How many children had been inducted into her little fucking cult? Sadness, too. Things might have turned out better if Kera hadn't... well, sent Blackberry into her chrysalis.

Kera didn't like to think about that day. If she'd known what would happen, maybe she would have turned away. But probably not. No, it wasn't anger or sadness that made the wolf feel sick: it was pure guilt. Her friends would be alive if she hadn't. Strangers wouldn't have died. People wouldn't have gotten hurt. Kids would be living normal lives.

So why did she fucking miss her? Why did she sit down and cry, wondering if she'd died? Why did a part of her want to kick herself for not going to that trial just to find out? Kera thought of the last time she saw Blackberry and she just knew that fucking goose was lying to her-- but what if she wasn't?

What if, what if, what if?

What if Kera just bit it all down and moved the fuck on? There were other people out there. People who actually deserved her tears, her time, her help. She wandered for a few hours and, as the lights began to dim, a particular anxiety rose in her belly. What if the lights go off again?

So, there she was. She hadn't been here since she was a pup. The water was up to her ankles-- it used to be up to her belly --as she pointed her snout down into the generator. It seemed... fine. The lights were certainly working. The gears whirred softly beneath the water. Just to make sure, Kera even held her breath and stuck her massive, broad head underneath to get a better look, but sure enough, nothing seemed wrong.

At least it took her mind off some things.

@Nameless

It had taken the goose many cycles but...she remembered everything now.

It had been like fitting a puzzle into its places, each piece in a different part of the cave that she had to scrounge for, digging carefully into the rocks and soil until she came upon the shard of her old self until she got as many together, and filled in the gaps with her own recollection. It had not been beautiful - she know, of course, that it wouldn't be. But god dammit had she wanted to find anything redeemable. Anything that gave her some peace of mind. But no, all she could remember of herself had been a violent, abusive, murderous psychopath. The things she did had made her so physically ill that she had retreated into a chrysalis for a while.

Even now, she didn't know what to do. The horror of it all...and the uselessness that she'd fallen into the last however many cycles...she didn't know where Mai and Angela were. Blueberry's chrysalis had hatched a long time ago, and she'd never found the child. She hoped they were safe and happy and living the life they deserved without her...but it left her so utterly alone.

Where was everyone she knew? Where was Jayberry and Huckleberry? Where were the ones that had hated her? Perhaps they wanted their revenge, and then she would feel like she had done something.

She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she quite nearly missed the white figure she was passing near. Not close enough to properly recognize, but she at last noticed the wolf in the distance, looking into the water and Nameless found herself struck with curiosity. A distraction, perhaps, from her problems. Was there something in the river?

The goose changed course and began to waddle in the wolf's direction. She did not immediately recognize her - after all, her memories still felt like they had been dreams, a barely-remembered nightmare, and she was more interested in the water then the wolf. "Is there something in there? Something wrong?" She asked lightly as she approached, craning her neck to see over the edge. The...generator?

@Kera

Birds had always set Kera on edge.

She couldn't help it. As a kid, there'd been an owl that stole her food and left her to starve. There was the afore-mentioned Blackberry Incidents. Her children were half-bird, but that was different. They weren't shaped like birds. They weren't shaped like the distant figure of Nameless waddling forward.

Kera recoiled at first, her lip lifting into a half-snarl until she tamped it all down. She'd never seen another goose before other than Blackberry. The voice that came out of her was dimly familiar; as was her stone, but... she tamped that down, too.

"No," Kera said, trying to make her voice softer. It didn't work; it was as rough as it always was. "No, it's alright. I was just making sure it was working."

Side-eyeing the goose, Kera's lip tightened. She tried not to frown, tried not to be too tense around this perfect stranger, even while every instinct braced itself for... well, she wasn't certain. "It powers the lights," the wolf told the goose. "It needed fixing a very long time ago, but... never again, it looks like."

Was that the only good thing I ever did? came the intrusive thought. Kera shook out her shaggy fur-- physically trying to shake it off. Her face was still dripping with water as she stared down into the generator for a beat, then glanced back at Nameless.

A beat. "I'm Kera." No title. Not this time, at least.

@Nameless

She flinched at the initial hostility from the wolf and it was literally just that second, the image of a scarred wolf with curled lips, rose quartz peeking out of the fur of her neck, that Nameless remembered. Could it be that she had just stumbled upon her, after wandering for cycles and cycles meeting nobody she knew, that now, only days after waking up again, did she run into one of the most important ones?

She stared and barely heard what the wolf was saying to her. She as trying to think of any other wolves that might look like this. Had Kera had a different stone? Didn't she have fewer scars then this? Wasn't she smaller?

But every one of those could be explained - maybe she'd seen the stone in different lighting. She might have picked up more over the years. Nameless had distinctly remembered herself being a little larger before. And also, they had met as children.

She was just about to accept that maybe she had the wrong wolf when she uttered her name. No hiding from it now, no running away. There they stood, two enemies that didn't know each other anymore.

What was she even supposed to say in this situation? Obviously, Kera didn't recognize her. Maybe a good thing. She did look quite different. But now she was in the extremely awkward and borderline terrifying situation of "Well I just walked up to my oldest enemy from my old life without realizing and she doesn't reocgnize me." Should she tell her? Should she let her live in blissful ignorance? Maybe she should turn around and leave.

Well. The thing that ended up happening it the goose simply stared at the wolf with her beak slightly parted from her surprise, eyes widened like a deer in headlights, and when she tried to speak, all that came out was a hoarse honk. "Kerim blanamebless. Um." She swallowed and cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks growing hot. "Sorry. Um. That's interesting. I'm. Um. I don't have a name. Anymore." Let's go with that.

@Kera

Kera's snout slowly crinkled with confusion.

Many a time did Kera imagine staring at her, speechless and awed, much like Nameless had done, when she announced her name and title. It was funny it only happened now, one of the few times she hadn't proclaimed herself the Lightbringer. The goose's inability to speak was overlooked and, for now, Kera didn't seem to suspect a thing.

Which was probably good for Nameless.

The wolf's ear flicked. No name anymore. She'd heard, dimly (from Vargas, maybe? Or another?) that names were meant to be earned, a long time ago. Maybe this one had lost the rights. "Are you with the Overseer?" She asked (unaware that there was A) multiple and B) Vargas wasn't an overseer anymore). "What was your name before?"

If nothing else, at least Kera seemed calmer. Talking helped take the edge off.

@Nameless

She was briefly struck dead in her own panic by confusion at the seemingly random question. She could tell she'd confused the wolf, though, but the word "Overseer" was unfamiliar to her. She blinked, head tilting a bit. "Um. No? Who is that?" Okay, that didn't matter right now.

Nameless thought quickly and decided she needed to say. She could not stand to interact with Kera for a moment longer like this, as some nameless (heh) stranger while she understood the gravity of their interaction. She sighed and took a small step back, trying to set herself right again. She swallowed heavily. Just do it already.

"Listen, I promise...I didn't recognize you. Not until you turned around." She paused, her feathers ruffling a bit behind her. (Had Kera ever seen her with all her feathers intact?) "I go by Nameless now - that's my name - but...its me. Um. Blackberry. I haven't used that name in a very long time, though. I'll leave, if you want me to."

It actually felt relieving to just rip the bandaid off. It was up in the open now. If Kera decided she was going to kill her in that moment, then Nameless wouldn't fight back and accept that she had probably deserved it.

@Kera

"Vargas," the wolf answered, shrugging a shoulder loosely. "He's big and purple." Whatever a hand was, she was his. Unless it'd been so long he'd gone and gotten himself fucking killed.

She turned her head to stare down into the generator again, just to have something to look at while the goose found her own tongue. When she began stammering and ruffling her feathers, though, one of Kera's ears swivelled and her broad head turned towards the goose.

For a moment, she felt nothing.

Then... anger. She wanted to bare her teeth and snap and bite just like she had one fateful day in one fateful tunnel. A vivid memory came into her mind, then, of how Blackberry's blood had filled her mouth as she tore at limbs and ripped feathers out. Then, she felt... sadness. She'd missed something important, that was clear. She'd promised to clear her name and she hadn't; she betrayed her, in some way. But she was alive.

Relief. Disgusting, traitorous relief. That made her angry again, until it all mellowed out, and she had nothing left to say.

It was, perhaps, the longest half-minute of Kera's life.

"Why are you white?" Was all that eventually tumbled out of the wolf's mouth.

@Nameless

The silence was almost physically painful. Nameless truly thought Kera was going to snarl and lunge at her and she stopped herself from closing her eyes in anticipation of her own death. They both remembered the same thing in varying degrees of detail. While Kera remembered the taste of blood and the feeling of ripping Blackberry's feathers and limbs, Nameless only remembered the phantom horror of her own mutilation. Like she had dreamed it once and now only remembered it in smoky fragments. She knew it had happened to her, but it did not feel real.

(It is real. It's all real)

But her death didn't come for her this time. Again, for, what, the second time? Third time? Fourth time? Kera did not kill her. And instead the blunt question that almost made her laugh from how, well, to the point it was! Thankfully, she didn't.

"Um, I'm not sure exactly. I made a deal with someone, and they promised me a new start. And I took it. After a whole...thing, I woke up like this. And I didn't remember anything. I mean...I do now. Most things." She was still tense and bracing herself. She should go. She should leave. Why did she tell her? WHY did she tell her? She should have taken the new start she had been promised and leave it all behind?

But then she would have to live with the guilt, wouldn't she?

"Are you going to kill me?" She didn't even realize she'd asked it until it was out. It wasn't...she wasn't scared. It was a soft inquiry, like asking if someone was going on a walk or leaving to see a friend. Like the murder of Nameless, of Blackberry, was not something particularly extraordinary.

@Kera

Slowly, Kera's other shoulder shrugged. Had she ever killed anyone? She didn't think so. No one she could remember. There was a small part of her that wanted to brag-- well, I'd never stoop so low! --but it was a very small and very quiet part. A part Kera had learned to muffle over the cycles.

She prided herself on helping people. Really helping people. If Blackberry was going to kill more people, then maybe it'd be better to just end it here and now, but...

Something about Blackberry's tone unsettled her gut. Kera's face turned away from the goose. "No," she said at last. Her voice, too, was soft.

The thing that disturbed Kera the most was the relief, again. She was almost happy to see Blackberry again. Why? They hadn't spoken since she visited her in Eridanus. Kera thanked whichever Master was listening that her tail wasn't wagging and that she kept her tone even, at least. A rosy eye flicked back to the goose as the wolf frowned.

"Why don't you have a name anymore?" She asked quietly. "What's the point in that?"

@Nameless

She breathed a sigh of relief without her consent. Perhaps she hadn't really wanted to die after all. It was nice to be alive, even if the memories came with guilt and a sense of feeling ill. She still had time to work on that, though.

"Okay." No "thank you," no begging her to kill her. Just a simple acknowledgement that this wasn't going to end in another horrific goose mutilation. Hopefully. Nameless would like to keep things nonviolent if possible.

She was going to launch into an explanation. How she hadn't remembered her name when she woke up, how she'd tried to look for one. How she was confused because other Gembound woke up with their names or gave themselves their names or had their name given to them, but it had never felt right to her. She'd been proposed a number of names, but they never felt like her. Not even the name "Blackberry" felt like her (because it WASN'T. Blackberry had died a long time ago).

But...she didn't because she did have a named. "It's...well, I guess my name is Nameless. I've been called that for a while now." She paused and then shrugged softly. "I like it. I've earned it."

@Kera

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