ORIGIN

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James was unburdened. Sturdy and gifted with natural flight, built for carrying whatever weights were set upon it-- them-- himself?? It didn't matter to Madhukar. 'But it should.' Later. The point is, James was light enough not only on hoof, but in soul, to make it to Tahi with a great big hug. As if James weren't scarred by anything more than the loss of the deer.

James's words, however, showed that there was, in fact, more pain beneath. A confirmation of all the reasons why it was right to hate Madhukar: she was a terrible friend and a terrible person. For all her effort, she was out of control and gave into her anger even with those she LOVED and her anger? It was a weapon to be used judiciously, and Madhukar was not one to judge herself nearly as harshly as she judged others. Well. That's what it looked like from the outside, anyway.

Madhukar didn't have anything to say about James's biting words. She bore no reaction besides a wince. And when Tahi tried to defend her, the resulting sense of gratitude was dull, overshadowed by mountainous guilt. A knife worn and overused. Madhukar froze herself in space and time to evade the pain of the wrath that would rather torture her forever instead of just killing her on the spot. It was rare that Madhukar ever became a statue... she hated stillness so much. And yet her mind wasn't still. It was fighting. A battle that hadn't rested for a minute since the moment it began.

When they stopped talking about her, Madhukar felt like she could finally move and breathe again.

Tahi began to tell them a story. It seemed entirely unrelated to the questioned crown upon his head at first, but Madhukar knew that the tangents always came back around. Rarely did they start in media rez. You needed to build up first. The sense of dread growing in Madhukar's stomach came with the knowledge that, if Tahi was building up, he was building up to something. Some goal. What could it be?

Wait-- she recognized this story. The part about Pride she hadn't really known, the part about humiliation at the Olympics and making a mistake and visiting the Collector she had. Madhukar remembered. At the time she had first heard this story, Tahi's eyes had been disappointed, self-directed, ashamed. He had signed himself away to a dumb decision that he wasn't going to go through with. Apparently, that dumb decision required a Greater Gembound's body that hadn't decayed yet -- Madhukar hadn't known that, and now she understood why. Tahi thought he was going to fix this at the time, but...

But...

"...when I asked for an explanation he told me that the world was kill or be killed and that he'd do it again and so I just--"

...

...

There was something sick growing inside of Madhukar.

...

Something you don't really want to know about. ...

Something born of a tangled clod of emotions, misplaced blood vessels, charge without course, clad in iron, imprisoned in steel -- something furious, some kind of muddled and mangled squall, like the face of a friend in a picture torn to shreds -- take those shreds and paste them with blood to a seal, to a gate, to the door, turn the knob, fall through the pit, break your body, break your mind, what had he done, WHAT HAD HE DONE?

"How?"

Her eyes, her very demeanor, had changed. Her body remained silent, now rigid like fractured ice; her tone and her gaze were smoldering, but the fire burned cold. Dry ice. No heat, certainly no power, certainly no charge. Cold like the corpse of an alligator gifted to the Collector like some kind of Christmas present. "Don't think it does anything violent"? Oh Tahi, the violence had already been done. And she wanted to know HOW.

Because this knot of fear, this seed of dread, hadn't reached the bottom of this pit yet, and Madhukar was still bracing for the impact.

Think "Speak"

@James

James' ears pinned and his amber eyes turned hard like the stone they looked like. Madhukar may have been sorry, but Tahi didn't see the fear in his baby girl's eyes, he didn't know the pure hate he felt for the one who had caused it. He wanted so badly to trample her under his hooves and make her fear like Comet had- but he wouldn't. He killed a rabbit once and had gotten so sick with guilt over it that he'd been ill for days. And it still kept him up at night.

"We'll talk about that later," he said through gritted teeth, taking a moment to breathe and listen.

His anger turned to disbelief, and then...

"... You killed him," James said.

It was kill or be killed...

"... Justice served," he mumbled, but stepped back, breath hitching, "Oh caves... you were first threatened by the Collector, a being more powerful than you or I, and then you defended a friend. Two birds with one stone. You avoided the further harm of both you."

The Collector, despite his apparent kindness to him, wasn't benevolent. Nor was he malevolent. He served his own needs only. Who knew what the crown did? Something terrible, probably.

"You did what you had to," he said, but his voice was hard.

Tahi-shei had still killed someone. But if James was forced into a situation, possibly involving a loved one... he wouldn't hesitate either.

@Tahi-shei

Tahi-shei shook his head, miserable. Madhukar was miserable, and James was angry, and a member of the Seven was trying to excuse his actions (Pride had killed in self-defense before, hadn't he?). There was no excuse for what he'd done.

And no excuse for what he was about to do to Madhukar, but he was never strong enough to lie to her (not after what Mother tried to make him do). He looked at her, and wavered, before breaking her gaze with the same force and fragmentation as though he'd shattered a barrier of glass between them. He didn't know if he was strong enough to say it, either... but Madhukar knew about Giggle. She knew about the promises he'd made, and she knew he didn't break oaths.

And there was only one other type of magic he was acquainted with.

"... I'm sorry, Madhukar," he said, voice breaking. And then, he turned to James. "Thank you," he whispered, "but there's... no excuse for what I did." His eyes cast down. "I was old enough to-- to know better when I made that deal." He laughed bitterly. "I was t-trying to avoid you two, 'cause I-- I just, I couldn't... I couldn't face you. Your... disappointment, your anger, your-- rejection. Even f-forgiveness is just t-too much but I guess it was wishful thinking to hope that you guys wouldn't look for me, either."

@james
@madhukar

James had figured it out too, but Madhukar was not nearly as concerned about that as she was Tahi's answer to her question.

Everything in her wanted to scream the answer out, the jury making their rule before the case was even confirmed and closed. The judge was pounding for order. But Madhukar was not made of order or control, was she? Still, she would try with every last remaining fiber to keep it together. At least until...

Those eyes.

"I'm sorry, Madhukar."

And then she knew. The dread knot crash landed into the bottom of the pit. The impact had arrived, at last, and yet for all her bracing, her preparation, Madhukar had not been prepared.

And just when she thought it couldn't get any worse, James was trying to apologize for Tahi. And Tahi, dearest Tahi, was trying to refute it, trying to say the truth: THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MURDER, THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR MURDER, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR MURDER, THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR MURDER. Madhukar didn't want to be mad at him, but she couldn't help it. There was an ugly enmity festering in her, growing with every word, frothing and bursting at the seams. She didn't want it to be directed at him.

So she looked to James, then to the sky, then to the ground. She breathed, eyes wide and feral like some primal beast's. Her tail fidgeted like clockwork -- tick! tock. tick! tock. -- and Madhukar attempted to bring down lightning all around them.

It was the greatest lightning storm she had ever made.

The force of it was so powerful, it managed to exist despite the unfortunate size of the room. No bolt hit a single soul, no shot strayed from its course. It was a lightning cage, dancing all around the three of them. The eye of a hurricane, the mercy of the monsoon.

Madhukar's eyes gleamed like raging suns. They should have been too hot to be set in her sockets, and yet there they were: two jewels bolted to a mortal's soul. Their focus darted from James to Tahi and back again, and back again still. Finally, they settled on Tahi. Lightning battered on and she didn't say a word. It was almost as if none could be said.

Finally, the onslaught ended, leaving the world in craters and ruin: blasted bone piles, scorched stones, a jar of concentrated chaos that she had confined the three of them in.

And she still refused to speak, to move, to blink.

A beat more, a breath more, and Madhukar finally managed to move. She turned away from them. And then she spoke: "If murder is justice, then I shoul' have kille-d Come-t when I ha-d th' chance." She turned her head to the side, one crackling eye focused on Tahi as if she were they hunter and he, the prey. "You betray me. An' more, you betray yourself." Her head turned towards a tunnel now. "Leaving. I am leaving. Do no' follow."

Madhukar stormed away. Free.

Think "Speak"

- attempted exit -

James shook his head the moment Tahi stopped speaking, trying to comfort, to reassure, to-

Lightning hit and he reared, a terrified whinny leaving his throat as he tried to run, only to skid as lightning struck in front of him. He stumbled on his injured shoulder, ears pinned and tail between his legs, head whirling to face Madhukar.

"If murder is justice, then I shoul' have kille-d Come-t when I ha-d th' chance."

He'd never felt such rage. His wings were flames as he tore after her, twice as fast as a common house cat. He jumped and skid in front of her, blocking her way and fanning his feathers, so angry that he almost couldn't speak. He hissed, ears disappearing against his head, his crests raised, colors like twilight, like the last time the sun would set.

"You don't deserve to run you horrible wretch," he hissed, blunt teeth clacking as he reared, wings spread and tail raised behind him, magic snapping and popping in his gem.

His magic lashed out, fueled by his rage, his protectiveness, his horrible desperation to ensure his family would never be hurt or torn apart again- that he wouldn't be alone, that no one would hurt his beautiful baby girl.

Those emotions were horribly apparent in the first wave, his rage and anger lashing out like whips, tearing and snapping across the cat's mind, driving it home that no one messed with James' family. And they especially didn't get away with it.

Then came the screams.

"KILLER! YOU HORRIBLE CHILD BEATER- PREYING ON THE WEAK BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO!"

The words overlapped, over and over and over, and maybe the spell wasn't as powerful or as loud as he wanted it to be... but maybe it was best that it wasn't, or else he could have- and would have- driven Madhukar's mind to break, if such a thing were possible.

James hated Madhukar more than he hated Alpha or anyone else in that moment. He hated her for rejecting Tahi in his moment of need, for hurting his baby girl- and for whatever other horrible things she had to have done.

@Tahi-shei @Madhukar

Madhukar built herself up, and then she broke. Tahi-shei flinched despite himself when the first peal of lightning met in unholy communion with the ground -- it startled him, reminded him of the pain he'd felt, and his breath hitched just slightly. But he set his jaw and held himself still and acknowledged her show of force. Her show of power. This was her expressing her emotion, her chaos, her rage -- and controlling it. Because she could control herself and Tahi-shei... couldn't. The static in the air crackled in his teeth, the latent magic roaring through his bones.

He didn't even move. He trusted her -- her judgement. If she hit him, she hit him. If she didn't, she didn't. Either way, she'd be making a point sharper than a knife. He flinched again at her words -- she was right. He had betrayed himself. "I'm sorry," he rasped again, because it was all he could think to say -- but James was springing into action already. Electricity crackled in the air around him.

He couldn't let James hurt her. She was entitled to her feelings, entitled to her point, entitled to her rage. James did not allow anyone to harm his family, but neither did Tahi-shei. He loved them both, so dearly -- but he couldn't let either of them hurt each other. He drew in a deep breath, and he broke.

A bolt of blue electricity shot out and struck true at James's stone. Tahi-shei stamped his front foot, and then declared, "LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE!!" He breathed out hard, and a beat or two passed. Then, he kept speaking. "She is my best friend," he said, voice cracking. "And I--" think I might be falling in love with you. "And you're my friend, too," is what he said instead, a thin layer of ice forming over those thoughts so he didn't have to address them until he walked precariously out onto the lake in search of something dear to him.

"If you want to fight," he rasped, "don't fight in front of me. If you want to talk, then talk -- like adults. But if you can't do that, then don't. Then just ignore each other and walk away. I can't do... this. I can't watch my two favorite people try to kill each other while I'm coping with my own shit. This isn't you, James, and Madhukar..." He looked after her, sad and hurt and reeling. "... I know that I've disappointed you."

He drew in a deep breath, and then breathed out again. "You're both good people. Better people than me. So act like it."

@james
@madhukar

Madhukar could feel something on the verge of her mind, could hear an insult or a threat or just something circling the rim of her ears. Thoughts and feelings came like a flurry of swirling blades for her mind, for her sanity. James. She could almost see them, almost feel them, they were right there lashing at her mind-- but then, they stopped. Halted like a jammed chainsaw. Nothing else came. Madhukar whirled back around, nothing but confused, furious, and winded from the might and fury of the emotions barreling and imploding at full throttle around the room. A most hectic creation.

Then there was Tahi, apologizing, separating them, trying to make peace in the middle of a whirlwind. Madhukar's guilt had never been greater. Nothing from the past could compare to the weight, to the blow against her chest, of seeing her best friend scrambling desperately to keep his best friends at bay when he was at his lowest, and knowing she had put him there.

She listened, silent as eternity. Never ending wrath suddenly splattered like melting ice into sadness, regret, despair.

He was right. He was right. He was right. Do I need to say it again-- I do. He was right. Tahi, beloved Tahi, her anchor and her knowledge, the first one to help her set herself free from the shackles of her own power. 'He helps you control yourself, and you... you NEED to help him.' This was about him. They had come here looking for him. And maybe she hated what he did, how he used her element, that he had learned from her, to prove and reprove that it and everything it related to was nothing more than a danger to others. How he took his own embarrassment too far, how he betrayed her trust and his own by completing the deal after he said he wouldn't. And maybe she hated how he abandoned her too, when Sunny had been captured; how that seemed to be the block that broke her a little inside when it was removed. Maybe she hated how she depended on him for some sense of stability, some sense of support, some sense of knowing what she was doing wrong and what she was doing right. Maybe she hated his friends. Maybe she hated herself.

But did she hate Tahi-shei? No. She loved him with all her heart.

Madhukar huffed. Inhaled. Let out a long sigh this time. 'Cool your jets.' She was trying. She couldn't keep them cool forever, but... this once? For him? She had to. No exceptions. No excuses.

"We're equal, Tahi." Madhukar searched for his eyes, her own expression changing in an instant. "I'm sorry."

Why did it come out so easily now?

A moment of consideration. "Still leaving. Bu'..." There ought to be an offer, a reprieve. Somewhere to find her when everything had cooled off, where she and Tahi could talk in private. "In Cetus. Fin' me when you wan' to." She couldn't forgive him yet. She couldn't even forgive herself. But she could let out some of that guilt, some of that regret, and go somewhere else while they all tried to do better than this. James could be Tahi's comforter (hypocritical as that was). Madhukar... well, they taught each other. They always had. She would help him, when he was ready. And when she was too.

Think "Speak"

- attempted exit 2! :3 -

@James

Content Warning
This post contains potentially sensitive material:

self harm

James squealed as the bolt of light shot for his stone, fear lancing through him as he expected pain, rearing and bucking, kicking and growling and absolutely furious, his emotions so all over the place that he was just completely unable to calm himself.

The timer had run out and the bomb had gone off.

"I DON'T CARE THAT SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND!", he shrieked, tears streaming down his face as he practically sizzled, stuck in a cycle of thinking of how much he hated Mad, getting more angry, thinking of Mad, getting more angry, and unable to stop.

"I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU IHATEYOUIHATEYOU-", he snarled, spit flying as he stamped his feet, aching to crush her tail or throw her or throw something at her- anything to make her hurt, anything to make her learn her damn lesson.

James snorted and snarled, pacing around in a tight circle, shaking so hard and wanting to punch something, hurt something, anything! It didn't matter what and he arched his neck until it hurt, foam gathering at the edges of his mouth as he struggled to even breathe, his hooves stamping with every step he took.

But he couldn't hurt anyone- not in his anger. That was cruel and it was selfish and he couldn't humiliate himself in front of Tahi but he was so angry and stressed an-

The feathers came out in chunks, black and brown scattering to the ground as he tore them from his chest, rearing and stamping his legs down, jarring his shoulder as he stamped and threw himself into a blind rage, letting everything he'd been feeling for months out finally.

And then he just screamed, his head so painfully arched that he felt the muscles in his neck burn, legs spread and wings slamming into the ground like he was trying to punch something, hating everything, including Madhukar, Comet, Tahi- love had no place in this mindset, and it was only hatred- hatred for their actions, hatred for how they hurt him, intentionally or no, and then came the guilt for feeling such a way, and he bit at himself, punishing, hurting, he deserved it-

He wasn't good enough, he couldn't help them, he was a terrible father, a terrible friend- Tahi would never love them and they should all just leave!!!

James was finally still, scarily so, his jaws clamped on his shoulder, face hidden behind a wing. He pulled away and bit his lip, the bruises denting his skin, aching. His fur and feathers would fill out and hide the wounds, hide them from view, hide them from everyone, hide the fact that he wasn't okay that he was stressed and horribly angry and upset and pissed off at everyone.

And guilty that he felt angry in the first place. He didn't deserve to feel angry. He was just ungrateful and horrifically spoiled. He didn't deserve to feel angry or sad or upset.

There was silence.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing that Tahi was here and that he'd seen his breakdown.

And he was so ashamed.

@Tahi-shei

Tahi flinched like ~~he'd been struck by lightning~~ -- ~~he'd been bitten by an alligator~~ -- ~~the collector had touched him~~ -- ~~his life was falling apart~~ -- someone had swung at him when James started screaming, and the words felt like ice forming fractals in his blood and spiking out through his skin. Like chrysalis, like the scar in the center of his chest, like fire roaring through him--

And James was hurting himself, and Tahi-shei didn't understand what he was supposed to do. What could he do? Anything? Casting magic on James had started this -- but now he was bleeding, and those wounds needed to be covered. A harmless fungus could protect them from the air, and decompose into small amounts of helpful things -- he'd be helping. Tahi-shei stepped forward, and tried to gently touch James.

If he'd be allowed to touch him, white mold would begin to grow and cover the worst of the bleeding, feeding off of Tahi-shei's own magic rather than James's flesh. If he wasn't allowed to touch, the mold would grow around his hooves instead.

He stayed silent. Tahi-shei wasn't sure if he had anything to say in the first place.

@james

James shakily pulled a wing to his eyes to wipe the tears, flinching at the touch on him, but not moving away. He sniffled as the fungus grew, his breaths still shaky and his legs wobbly. He felt faint and tired, the stress that had been building up finally releasing.

Tears welled up, big and fat, slowly rolling down his face. He slowly turned and pressed his face into the other's shoulder, his wings reaching forward to hug him tightly.

"I'm sorry," he said, "That nothing seems to go right."

He was larger than Tahi, but he seemed so small with his head bent and his tail tucked into his legs, even his wings were flat instead of the fluffy mess they normally were.

"... I won't leave," he mumbled, "Promise."

If there was one certainty, it was that James was very firmly attached. And boy did he have a bone to pick with the Collector after this.

@Tahi-shei

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