ORIGIN - Bruh.

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dated to just after this thread.

With Jampa at last pacified, Pride turned a weary--and annoyed--mind to James. He took a breath, trying to remind himself that they'd all had to teach themselves had to parent, to raise kids--that there was no guidebook, no prior generations. Hell, for that matter, his first parental figure had been a sociopathic would-be killer. So being angry wasn't fair.

Being firm, however, was certainly on the table and Pride, though he'd calmed himself before moving to speak to James, was already going over the topics in his mind. She is my child. I'll decide how to raise her; don't argue my choices with my child. No--that wasn't right. He pondered it as long white legs carried him through Orion's dim and scattered starlight. -Trust my judgement--no. I wouldn't ask that, either. Questioning is good. More... if there is argument, defer to me in the end because she is my child, until she has the intellectual wherewithal to decide against my choices. He wound his way along, lifting his head to catch James' scent, though he'd mostly seen where he had gone. "James?" he called out, softly.

Certainly don't lie to her. Don't control her. Telling her that she can only learn from one source is controlling, domineering, and damaging. That was the firmest point.

But it wasn't James's fault, and he reminded himself of this again: no one had taught any of them, and they'd just have to let one another raise their own kids, in the end, until they all learned what worked. So--be kind, he warned himself; he didn't want to come off cold.

@James

James lifted his head from where he'd been laying down, and pushed himself up, shaking dust off his fur and feathers. He stood in the alley, dreading the conversation, his ears down and tail low, so long now that it nearly dragged on the ground, only kept from doing so because of the braid he constantly had it in. He was definitely due to cut it.

Timidly, he walked out into the street, wings held close like a safety blanket. His hooves clip-clopped on the ground as he walked, slowing as Pride came into view.

"... Hi," he said, shifting nervously, tail lashing behind him.

He was nervous, possibly even scared. Not that James would admit a thing out loud, though his body language suggested it. His muscles twitched under his skin, bunching up and relaxing, as if he was ready to bolt at any moment. All the talks he'd had before had ended in anger, and then... it'd ended in sorrow. A breakup. Talks had never been a good thing.

"Can I ask you something?", he said quickly, before Pride could speak and he would interrupt, wanting to understand where he and Pride stood before this started,"... Sorry, I just..."

James trailed off and bit his lips, amber eyes looking down at the ground, the purple, pink, and yellow gem in the center of his head like a third eye, half-hidden by his forelock.

"... Who do you think I am? To you," he said, "Am I your student? A child? Just... an acquaintance?"

If he could understand, then he could navigate this conversation easier. But he couldn't allow himself to hope. It was better to be surprised than disappointed.

@Pride

It was with surprise that Pride listened to these questions--and more than that, concern. It revealed a few things--it even showed him some things about James' attempts to half-parent Jampa already. Is this what his relationship with Comet was like? he wondered; it had seemed like only guidance at the time, but...

Pride considered for a long moment, and were his head not tilted so, not leaning toward James, were his eyes not so thoughtful, it might have seemed aloof. But every line of his body showed that he was worried. "James... I notice that 'friend' is not on that list." A slight pause. "'Close friend.' You were someone to look after, to protect, to teach where you wished to learn. But now you are grown, and I consider you a close friend. Do you feel--and I ask this genuinely--do you feel that one of us must be the ruler, the guide, the one controlling our relationship-? Or did you merely think of me as--I suppose older, and therefore somehow in authority?" He paused, thinking. "I suppose it isn't far off; we respect our elders and when older we certainly expect our experience to be respected. But equals, James. I am not your parent, though I suppose I have half raised you, and if someone harmed you I might react as a parent might. With anger." A pause, a shake of his head.

"Before I go into what I wanted to talk about: why do you ask that?"

@James

James refused to meet Pride's eyes, both embarrassed and scared that Pride would agree, that he was nothing more than a child. Not someone to be respected. But Pride said they were equals. He didn't know if he was relieved or not, but it was nice that Pride thought so highly of James.

"... I've just been confused," he said, "As you said, you... you half raised me."

He sounded almost disappointed, but he cleared his throat before it could be addressed, "I always called you Pride or 'teacher'. I don't know why I feel it should be different now. I always felt like we were equal, you were my mentor, I was your student, now I've grown and there are no more lessons you can teach. Not ones that I can't learn on my own, at least."

He grit his teeth and fluttered his wings in distress, shaking his head, "I don't know why I feel like I have the right to just... to barge into your family and try to make a place for myself when all I've ever done is tear families apart!"

Sun, Ari, Comet. He'd attacked Madhukar, Tahi's friend, his own family, in a way. He couldn't save Bone, thus tearing Carja away from part of her family. He'd nearly killed gembounds because of his own stupidity.

"I-I'm scared," he said, "Because I know I'm just going to mess up, and I'm going to step out of line whether I know I'm doing so or not. Comet's always out practically trying to get herself killed and all I did to try and get her to stop was blubber like a baby, and if that didn't strip any respect she had from be away, then-"

James sniffled and wiped his eyes, almost furiously, "Comet a-asked me for a sibling. For a family. Because I tore her family apart and I drove Ari and Sun away. So I gave her one. My child, I gave my magic to create them, and they're just as much my child as Comet is. I already love them but I'm so scared I'm just going to ruin their life too."

"I'm going to mess up," he mumbled, "I want to help Jampa, and I want to try to at least be her friend. I-I want to show her the freedom my wings gave me, but I'm so scared that whatever curse that's plaguing me might hurt her. I'm afraid that every move I make will hurt someone."

He remembered when he was alone. When all he did was wander around Eridanus, not knowing anyone but Titanite, almost completely alone. He didn't hurt anyone then.

It was pitiful how he thought of himself. How guilty he was. ~~James wanted a hug.~~

@Pride

He listened sombrely, at first taking notes, then faintly surprised, then distinctly worried by James' mindset. "James," he said at last, when the horse had finished speaking, "you ought to have brought this up sooner instead of... stewing in it. What do you mean, you broke apart your family? What are you talking about with a--curse?" He paused, wincing. The horse's mindset was so dark and dour that Pride almost could not believe that this was the same James he knew.

Calm, he tried to go back to the beginning. "A moment. Let me say what I came to say, and then we can address the rest--because I think you'll agree, it seems a lot to untangle. First, I wanted to say that no one knows the 'right way' to be a parent. We are hatched and have to figure it out for ourselves. But second, it should be up to a child's parents as to how to raise them. For Jampa, I will say that I never, ever want you to lie to her like that." It was as gently said as the rest, but he pushed on. "To tell her that she can only learn from us is a lie, it is controlling, it manipulates. It forces a reliance that isn't truly there. It takes away agency. It takes away independence. She can learn on her own--as I did, as you have, to some extent. Second--you say there is nothing else I can teach you but I ask you to remember, there is always something that anyone can teach us. Things I can teach you; things you can teach me. Our lessons are never over." He paused, tilted his head; "It is up to us to seek them out. But as far as my daughter goes: please allow me to choose the guidelines in which she is raised. When I said I wished her to learn over water, your input is appreciated but in the end it is my decision, until she is old enough to reject my choices for her. When I said I wished to be there, to take her to Tenzin for her first lessons, that is also my decision--I will not turn her other father's involvement in her life away. It may be one of the only things that he can teach her," he added, softly. None of his tone or demeanor was aggressive--in fact, it was gentle, kind--but he knew that the horse was taking things hard just now.

"So do not take this harshly, because we must all learn: but be her friend, James, not her father. She already has her fathers." A pause, again, and another shake of his head, a light one. "Now, tell me of the rest of this. What are you talking about with Comet trying to get herself killed? What happened with this--this incident, with her?" He fought, for a moment, to try and remember what else James had said. "And sibling-? What do you mean you tore a family apart? And what other child? What is this you are talking about?" he asked.

@James

James' ears pinned in shame and he wiped his eyes again, sniffling wetly, "My spells either fail or they cause strife. My words never come out how I intend them to, and no matter how hard I try, I can't do right."

He sagged as Pride spoke, a familiar feeling welling up in his chest as his mentor told him never to lie.

Controlling. Manipulates. You're everything you hate. And it's your own fault.
James' expression went dull, so overwhelmed with emotions that he shut down in order to protect himself. His eyes were wet but the tears stopped falling, and he just stared at the ground, mindless.

"Incidents," he corrected, "... She's gotten into fights. She's come home bloody and injured. Sometimes it's her blood, sometimes it's someone else's. She's fought Gembound twice as powerful as her. She got into trouble with Master Vargas once for fighting in his domain, with one of his creations. She fought a snake that people say turn your limbs to stone. She's nearly drowned, nearly been killed. She faced off a creature who took down a fully grown dragon. She lived because of sheer dumb luck."

"Do you remember Ari?", he continued, "We cared for a child named Sun, but when we confronted him about his uncanny collection of stones, we broke up and it tore the family in two. I took Comet, Ari took Sun, and Comet just wanted a friend, so I gave life to a stone for her. It's in my house now, just this little pink chrysalis."

James shifted and looked away again, "... I know I'm irresponsible and stupid. I know you're thinking it. I'm a horrible parent. I can't even keep my daughter from trying to get herself killed."

The silver hairs in his mane made a lot more sense. He was beyond stressed out at this point.

@Pride

Pride listened, and at first he felt pity--but then alarm, as the horse wound to a close. Deep alarm. He perked a brow at James' self-pity, and as he finished, Pride spoke more sharply.

"First off, James, I'll thank you not to put words in my mouth. Or my head," he added, and there was wryness in it, but seriousness too. "I do not think those things about you, nor should you assume that I do. If I did I would tell you." A pause, and a tilt of his head. "I do not think it fair that you should assume as much, either. I have never been anything but supportive with you--haven't I? Have I been cruel at some point?" And this was a genuine question: he wanted to know if he'd been mean, or flippant. He knew that he could be, sometimes; had he been short with James, missed it somewhere, somehow convinced the horse as a foal that he disliked him-? "As for Comet--have you asked her why she does this? I do not think you 'always fail.' I haven't seen that in you." A pause again, a faint frown, as he realized that James had not acknowledged a word about what he himself had said. He'd have to ask him, then, if he'd even heard--to ensure it. That could come last, anyway.

"But those are her choices--I didn't know about it until you told me now. Perhaps I could have helped-? But have you asked her? It sounds self-destructive; is she unhappy about something?"

Ahh, and Ari. Yes, Pride remembered. "The stones--I recall." Pride paused at the idea that James had given life to a child simply to provide Comet with a friend, and he frowned a little, as best a stag-face could. "Is Comet demanding-? Why not find her a friend; I am confused, why create a new life? There is nothing wrong with it, but it seems an odd choice, and I would like to see if there is some reason," he added, opting for pure honesty. "I am sorry to hear about Aristotle but none of that sounded... healthy. You did hear what I said about Jampa, before we move on-?" he added, pausing at last.

@James

James flinched and tucked his wings in further, his feathers slimming against his body, making him look smaller. He was ashamed and he hated the feeling, the guilt and the hatred that immediately welled up at the reprimand.

"You've been nothing but kind and supportive," he said, almost snapping the phrase at himself, a biting remark at his own stupidity and unfairness. He was trying to remain calm but he just couldn't. He could feel the bubbling start and he didn't know how to stop it.

"... I haven't asked," he mumbled, and cold spread through his veins like icy water, "I've been selfish."

"She asked for a friend, a sibling, she wanted a family like the one we had before a-and I tried to give it to her, even offered for her to name the child when they hatch," he said, but his mind was elsewhere, focused on that word.

Selfish.

He was spiraling. Faster and faster, he could almost feel the sensation of falling, of hitting the ground and breaking apart like he had before, everything falling out on display. His self-hatred, his lack of confidence in himself, every single mistake and misdeed he'd ever done, all exposed for everyone to sneer at.

"I-I don't know how to stop-", he finally said, his breathing coming in unsteady pants, suddenly.

James looked like he did when he'd screamed for Pride, tears rolling down his tiny snout as he curled up, small and terrified, away from the monster known as Alpha. There was a monster in his head that he couldn't fight, and everything he did, every mistake seemed to pile up, seemed to feed it. And now it was bigger than Alpha, than Vargas. And no one else could see it.

"I heard it," he sniffled, ears pinned and feathers fluffing up and shaking as he shuffled his wings, some coming loose from the movement and falling to the ground.

"I don't know how to stop," he said, his nose runny and his eyes watery, "Everyone else can learn from their mistakes but I can't stop feeling like each one is some kind of horrific crime. Like every small thing makes me a terrible person. Like I'm some... some monster. I can't stop hating myself."

Admitting it was hard, but he felt like there was just the tiniest bit of relief, though his legs wouldn't stop shaking and it felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He felt stupid and weak and like Pride was going to push him off to Mercy again. He didn't want Mercy. He... he...

He wanted a dad. A mom. Someone who would hold him close and tell him that he wasn't all the awful things he was, and tell him how to go about loving himself like he used to, how to go about working through his mistakes like he used to, instead of yanking feathers and throwing temper tantrums.

"... Can you teach me how to feel good about myself again?", he asked, lips and nose twitching as tried his best to not break down crying.

@Pride

Pride listened, as before. He had to admit sharp relief at James' admission: he'd feared he'd been cruel, somewhere, without meaning to be. And the rest--about a new child--he noted down; he saw nothing terribly wrong with it; there wasn't enough context for him to judge it by. He didn't know Comet well; didn't know James' relationship to her. This all began with Aristotle, he realized, but didn't yet say.

I don't know how to stop, James was saying--repeating--and then explaining. Ruminating over his mistakes--dwelling on them--hating himself for them. Pride didn't understand this; it was as far from his own viewpoint as anything could be. Hell, it was in the name: Pride. He took pride in everything he did, as best he could; as long as he knew he'd tried his hardest, then there was never any shame in failure. And wasn't that something that he'd tried to teach James?

Puzzled thought gave way to fear as the horse asked his final question. Could Pride do that-? The urge to promise yes, to whisper support, surged up and Pride bit it back. Had he not just told James not to lie to Jampa-? To make such an assurance blindly would be a lie ahh, but aren't you a hypocrite, at times? -A thought again that he bit back, and forced himself to focus. No, he couldn't tell that lie; for if he failed, James' faith in everything might be broken.

"I will do my best, James," he offered carefully, instead. A promise he wouldn't break. "Would you mind if I looked into your mind--like a healer, except your wounds, I think, are in there, and not out here," he added, offering a light brush of nose to James' shoulder to indicate 'body.' "We can stay here, if you like, or go somewhere else, because I have a feeling this conversation may go on a little longer than I thought it would. It needs to," he added, worriedly. Then he opened up his mind, preparing, reaching for a tentative link--but he awaited James' permission to fully open it.

@James

The relief James felt was immense, and the pot stopped bubbling over, mellowing at a gentle simmer, for the time being. He needed help. He asked for help. He was getting help. Pride was no expert, but seeing as the caves lacked any properly trained therapists, this was the best he could get.

Maybe he could start to heal.

"U-uh, yeah," he said, startled back into reality, still sniffing and shuddering, but at least he didn't feel like he was about to fall down a waterfall after being sloshed around in a flooded river.

James wiped his eyes and turned, facing his house and pointing to it, "W-we can go home. We probably should h-have gone earlier for privacy but... Guess it's too late. But I got a bed there, and you can meet the little one. Th-they're not hatched yet though, I'm not sure if they'll hear anything but at least you can um... see them."

He gathered himself and shook out his tail, flaring it behind him slightly as he shuffled his feathers back into place, taking one step forward, then another, before he was making his way to his home.

Upgrades had clearly been made. There was a bed, decoration, and a small pink chrysalis lovingly nested within a circle of soft furs, a ring of flowers delicately placed on top. It was clear James doted on the thing despite there being nothing to really dote on yet. Whatever it became, whatever turned out to be inside, he'd love it.

James sat down heavily on his bed, a mound of furs from Comet's various kills over the months, repurposed into a bed of incredible softness. He shuffled over, leaving Pride more than enough room to lay down or sit on without touching James or coming close to doing so.

"Okay," he sniffed, only a tiny bit shaky now, "I'm ready."

@Pride

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