It had been beautiful, the trip getting here. Well, it should have been. Would have been. If only she hadn't seen it so many times, so many faces in the mirrors -- was that her, was that her, was that her? Was that really her? Was that really, was it really, truly, don't lie to me, don't lie anymore--
She had kept her pumpkin. Kept the moss, the mushrooms, the various... plant materials. She had kept it all, and for what? Well...
Madhukar had been in hiding. The world had been too much to face, even if-- no, especially since she knew what she had to do. Most of her time since then had been attempts at disguising her scent, at disguising her body -- as if it weren't already unrecognizable in its shape, compared to her previous one. The rest of it had been her, sitting alone, dutifully, thinking. The only thing remaining in her skull was lists. Lists and lists, pooling out her eye sockets, gushing from her chest like blood from an open wound.
'We have to find them second. That deer, like Tahi-shei, but you are not ready for Tahi yet. You have to find that deer, the one that punished you.' And what came first? 'A disguise. A better one. You need to have something to wear, and then you must learn how to wear it.' And why? 'You can answer that better than anyone.' Fear. That was the answer, straight and simple: fear. Like walking into a classroom after the doors had been shut and the teacher had started talking -- it felt impossible, and then it felt inane. Add the spice of "you've been a terrible friend and general person to everyone in that room" and suddenly you've got a whole phenomenon, a shift in weather, a darkening sky you would give your life to avoid.
Madhukar had given her life. She was in the avoiding stage now.
Learning to walk this way was hard-- taxing as all heck. Had she been in this room before? Well, she had half-crawled half-lumbered to get here, and thus was here now, and thus was using these bone mounds as support. She didn't like the way she could do that, place her paws on things and hold herself there with the strength of new arms. It all functioned differently, in a familiar but sickeningly strange way. Madhukar felt alien to herself. First she'd been out of her mind, now out of her body. What was next?
'A disguise.'
Oh that's right.
Madhukar would go looking, then. Among the bones. Trying to prop herself up in such a way that searching without too much weird movement was easy. Her demeanor was still more cat-like than humanoid. At least that worked, even if it wasn't the most efficient.
Think "Speak"
Misfortune was not a euphoric experience, but Madhukar would not be deterred. She did not understand bones, or her own body, so this was just going to have to take some time.
Eventually, she grasped something (with two paws) that she could slide towards herself. Ah, but it was stuck to something else in there. She would yank and tug with her paws, imagining them like jaws instead. Yes, this was where the similarities became uncanny, and this was when she felt the least alien. Doing the same things in a different way.
Something snapped.
Aw, shoot. Whatever she had pulled out had been too weak to stick together. What was this thing anyway? Long, flexible, utterly disgusting to look at. 'You've seen worse. Hold steady.' And hold she did, this foreign object between two paws. Madhukar dared not sniff -- this whole room festered with that same smell, not very fitting for a candle or an up-close-and-personal experience. She did inspect, however, by testing it in the same way she tested her own form. Bend until it doesn't look... right. Try not to break.
This wouldn't be the end of her search by any means, but at least she'd gotten one thing down. Time to make a pile.
Think "Speak"
In the pile, Madhukar would keep this long and flexible wire of little bones, her suffering moss blanket, her pumpkin-to-be-carved, a few mushrooms, branches, bark pieces, and other specimens of flora. Most of it had come from the very room she had re-hatched in.
The felinoid would then turn away and stumble towards another pile of bones. Moving this clumsily was humiliating, but at least there was no one around, and more practice could only help. Lurching into a bone pile with perhaps a bit too much eagerness, Madhukar continued looking for more.
Success was evasive, and Madhukar felt her temper rise again. The backlash was immediate, the memories of her wrath in this room so fierce that it could wind her. She took a few moments to breathe, in and out, in and out, eyes darting anywhere else to chase away-- to run from the memories. To run from that fear. It was always here, in the back of her throat, at the base of her heart, and she just wanted to keep running-- 'This disguise isn't so that you can sit and sulk in your problems, Madhukar. It is so that you can be comfortable enough to try to fix them. Running doesn't help you, Madhukar, running doesn't help you. Will you remember that?' It was hard, not to remember, but to accept.
'Running doesn't help you, running doesn't help you, running doesn't help you...'
She couldn't run from her own shadow.
Keep searching. Madhukar could keep searching. Now.
Think "Speak"
Shuffle shuffle shuffle, struggle struggle struggle, shift shift shift, and...!
SNAP! Crap.
There was an unknown strength to this body, among the many other mysteries of it. Yet another thing to try to keep cool about, despite how infuriating it was really-- backlash, whiplash, lashing, lightning, NO STAY AWAY FROM ME-- breathe, breathe, goodness please breathe. Okay. Okay. We're okay now. Okay. So she didn't know her own strength. Yet. Nothing to get upset about. Nothing to throw a tantrum about. It's fine.
Let's try... a different bone pile. Well-- let's add this thing -- the tip of a spindly bone -- to the pile first. Then we'll check another.
Think "Speak"
Madhukar had to admit, the more she tried, the easier it got. And the more tired she got. It was kind of fun, though, being tired. Well... actually, yes, it was fun to think about sleep. How good sleep felt, when she had lived in Eridanus, staying anywhere comfortable, waking up to the sound of buzzing and delight... but no! NO! Sleep itself was far less easy to do now. Madhukar didn't want to be... caught. Hide as best she could, but Tahi was a traveler, and so were several others Madhukar knew. They could find her, in her sleep -- could you imagine that? Madhukar wished she couldn't. The scenarios playing out in her mind were what kept her awake some nights and kept waking her up on others. It was exhausting...
But no! Madhukar had to keep her resolve. Patience, patience she had to have now. Patience was her test, the lack of it her downfall. 'Patience.' So she just kept breathing, in and out, 'til the storm blew away.
New pile, what do we see?
Nothing. Again. Sigh...
The fear made the attempt, the attempt made the anger, and the anger brought the fear. Do you see this cycle, Madhukar? You must break it. You must break it. Find the weakest link, the thing you can change, the variable you control, and seize it. It's yours. It has to be yours.
Anger. Inhale. Exhale. Anger. Keep searching.
Think "Speak"
Peace.
Or was it anger, at the fact that it yet again broke in some way? Or was it anger in that it kept evading her fumbling grasp? Or was it anger in her fumbling?
Or was it peace in that it had finally done what she had wanted? Was it peace in what she wanted? Was it peace? Was it anger? Which is it?
'It's all bad, Madhukar. You're not getting what you want. Do you remember what you do when that happens? You or your magic? It's part of that same cycle, Madhukar, do not loop it. Do not dare. There is no peace or anger found in looking for these bones. There is focus, direction, and action.' Madhukar would... try not to think about it then. Just. Try.
Another half of a bone, a kind she couldn't identify. As if Madhukar could identify any to behind with. 'What it is doesn't matter. It's all about what it can do.' Right. Right. Right. Hold steady. Keep it together.
Think "Speak"
What she wanted most was something to mold her shape. Maybe something for her shoulders, so that had a way to keep the moss covering on without having to hold it there. Something weighted? Or maybe just something to put there, that would fit. Since she already had something for the head and ears, and something to cover the legs.
Nothing to her liking showed up, however. So, she returned to her pile and recollected:
- A pumpkin. The whole thing wouldn't fit her face, and besides, she couldn't carve as intricately as others could.
- A piece of bark, her original mask. She'd held it up with her paw. Was there a way to... automate that?
- A bunch of moss. She had been keeping it alive by sprinkling it with water when she could.
- Some mushrooms. They were small enough to fit alongside the moss.
- Flowers, leaves, and branches. She fit them just... wherever, usually. Did it count as decoration?
- A broken flexible bone-thing, a broken long and straight bone-rod, and a broken... old bone-thing.
Usually what glued all of this together was mud, good for covering her scent. That mud had clung with every rendition of Madhukar's guise, temporarily staining her fur. Which was good. She loathed the feeling, but it served her well.
Now if she could just think of a way to fit the new things in...
Think "Speak"
Ah, but she just couldn't get over that one missing piece!!!
That one missing piece, she returned into the fray for. And to her surprise, it came with comedic amounts of relative ease! A skull big enough to fit on her shoulder, most interesting. It looked like that of some kind of... bird. Probably. Honestly, who the heck was a big enough nerd about bones to know anyways?
Madhukar brought it back to her pile, filled with the fleeting sense of victory at her eventual find. Now it was time to use her head even more creatively!
My gosh, it was almost... fun!
Think "Speak"
Madhukar finally began the process... of the Put Together.
It was spastic, rushed, as usual. Madhukar had no idea what she was doing really. It was kind of fun though, just... doing what she felt like. No repercussions. Nothing bad turning out besides a bad design.
Oh, and this was a bad design alright.
Kinda painful to look at.
It struck something a little too deep in Madhukar, Something she didn't expect. It was a joking thought, but she clung to it, held in her talon's grip, and yet again she felt that burning in her face. She hoped the mask she was to make would help cover that up, because she simply could not bear it.
She couldn't really... make things, could she?
'What do you mean by that?'
Well, think about her past. Her history, her magic, her actions, her being. A predator, a controller of electricity -- she was not built to build. Only to destroy. Only to tear things apart. It was almost laughable, then, really, that she would ever try to create something, ever even dream about doing such a thing. Haha. Right?
'It's not funny. It hurts, Madhukar. Why does that hurt?'
What does that mean--?
'You have wanted to build ever since you were first hatched, Madhukar. A garden. A place for those little creatures to rest. You have craved it, dedicated yourself to it. You have remembered it, and remember it even now.'
...Huh.
'You pretend a lot, Madhukar. Stop it.'
Huh. A builder... was Madhukar a builder? Was she, really, all this time? Could she be, if she... wanted to be, for once?
The lights in her trial... lightning lit them up. It wasn't just about killing the spiders. There were more facets to her magic-- to her than she had originally thought.
Madhukar could be a builder. If she wanted to be.
Think "Speak"
She would begin with the pumpkin. Slicing it unevenly, so one side was much bigger than the other. Easily fixed, but for now she would plan.
The pumpkin would be for a mask, possibly stuck to her face with mud... moss and plants would cover her as usual... the flexible bone-- wait! Could she cut a hole and stick that through? Could she get two of those, make two holes, stick them through, stick the bones to her face with mud, better chance it won't fall of maybe...? And the long bone, could she use it as a... it had a sharp point, maybe for CUTTING... the last bone and the bark, those could cover her chest... the skull on her shoulder might distract from her face and...
Madhukar felt a little crazy trying to plan it all out. It felt good, through, to let that energy release. It finally got a chance to do something, not well up inside of her and form more knots in her throat. A metaphorical weight was lifting, even as the felinoid designed a new physical weight to don.
It didn't feel bad. Not at all.
Think "Speak"