disappointment in oneself - Printable Version

"You won't," James said, hopeful ~~and a little desperate~~, "I've been beaten, pushed, but... but I haven't broken yet. I'm still here."

His wings opened gently, big and soft and so strong. They withstood the strongest of winds, and maybe they lost feathers along the way, but they continued to remain beautiful. Despite the sadness in James' eyes, the eternal weight of selflessness and criticism of himself on his shoulders, he stood tall.

And maybe he could get better without some stupid trial. For Tahi.

"I'll catch you," James said, the metaphorical grip on Tahi-shei's wrist turning into tender fingers taking his hand instead, "Together, Tahi."

Maybe what James needed was to see that if he could lift someone else up, he could lift himself up too. He could rise too. He was shaking, wings lifted, head lowered, shaking with anticipation.

'I love you,' was thought, the words dangling off the tip of his tongue, ready to fall if Tahi dared to fall, to let James catch him.

They'd grow wings on the way down, one each. Only together would they fly.

Tahi-shei knew that he should have done differently. He knew that he should have said something, done something, moved to convince James -- but he was not strong enough, not with the sadness in James's eyes and the desperation in his tone. He was not strong enough to deny himself this, especially not when James was making it so hard.

"I'll catch you."

Sometimes, when a beaver dam is washed away by refreezing ice, a lake can have a perfectly clean sheet on top of it and not a drop of water below. As Tahi-shei fell, he found his feet striking solid ground -- not cold water. And suddenly, he didn't know what he'd been so afraid of.

He sighed, his shoulders sagging. "You will," he whispered, because he didn't know what else to say as he leaned against James's side. "Caves. You always have." A bitter sort of laugh bubbled up in him. "I'm so sorry for what I've dragged you into. I'm so sorry that you couldn't have fallen for someone better. But I'm not strong enough to tell myself no, James. I love you. I do. I just-- can't be trusted to make good choices on my own. But maybe now I'll have a reason to be better."

James' eyes lit up and he stepped forward, wing already raised for Tahi. His heart leapt into his throat, threatening to exit the premises and go dancing around Polaris.

He bumped his nose against Tahi's and huffed gently, "You didn't drag me into anything. I've been trying to drag myself into your world. And Tahi? There's no one else I could imagine being with."

Maybe Tahi couldn't be trusted making decisions on his own, but that was what friends were for, right? To help you make decisions, to help weigh pros and cons and to support. But James was more than a friend now, he was... he was a partner. Tahi's partner.

"I know you can be better," he said softly, "The Collector... he gave me a sling. It held the memories of Elias. I think if anything would push me away, that would. But it hasn't. I still don't blame you."

James wrapped his wing around Tahi and pressed their heads together, his gem cool against Tahi's forehead, "I'm with you, Tahi-shei Deimos. For as long as you'll have me."

His eyes burned with passion, with kindled hope, slowly building up into a flame behind his bright irises. His amber eyes were like flames, now, burning bright and hot.

"I love you," he said softly.

Tahi-shei would have jerked away, if he'd been able to. As it were, he just flinched at the mention of Elias and went still. Numb. Bastard, he thought, his eyes falling closed as he reflected on the Collector. Following him around in the aftermath, giving James something horrible -- he was a sadist, Tahi-shei realized. A sadist who just liked to watch people suffer. He had let the Collector drag him down with the promise of power; had let him prey upon his own insecurity. Tahi-shei had gotten better on his own, really, and the Collector hadn't been able to offer him anything sufficiently useful in exchange.

His throat felt tight and he held still so he didn't stab James in the eye. "I can't say it yet," he admitted, his voice small and vulnerable. "But I'll have you. I-- I want to be together."

James just nodded, pulling away so Tahi could move again, "Okay. We'll take it as slow or as fast as we want. There's no pressure to say 'I love you' or to suddenly douse each other in affection- though I'd like to, if you'll have me..."

He fluffed up his wings and draped one over over the stag's back, unable to stop smiling. He probably looked like an idiot with how big his grin was, but he couldn't care less.

He couldn't help but be articulate around Tahi-shei, wanting to say each word perfectly to get across how he felt for the other. "I just want you to know... that there will be lots of flowers in the future," he said, "As many as I can get. Flowers, fruits, gifts. Anything I can get my hands on will be yours."

Including my heart, but it was yours from the day we met, wasn't it?

"I do like you," he said, his eyes tearing up despite the fact that he had a tinge of laughter in his voice. He let himself relax into James's touch, blinking tears away -- he wasn't sure why he was crying, though. "I do want you. I want to keep you safe, I--" He shook his head. "I have so many things buzzing around in my head all the time, James, but I swear to you -- you'll become part of it. I'll keep you right there beside me, and I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything, as soon as I'm ready to."

He swallowed hard, and then took a deep breath -- "For now, I think we both need to go take a breather." He looked towards one of the tunnels out of Polaris, and considered Tunnel P. "Assuming nobody has turned up since I had that mental breakdown a few cycles ago, I know a good place to rest. Let's go take a break."

James smiled big and wide, "I'll be right there to listen when you do. And I'll do the same. Thank you, Tahi."

His ears perked up and he nodded, looking back at his chrysalis for a moment. He kicked it and broke off a piece, grabbing his discarded bag and placing it inside before trotting after Tahi.

"I'm with you," he said softly, "A break with you sounds lovely."

He bumped his nose against Tahi's cheek and followed along happily, trotting along like the stud he was, his tail bobbing up and down with every step. He couldn't be happier in that moment.