((This thread is backdated to after We're Still Here))

All she saw was lightning.

It had been a few days since she'd nearly MURDERED a CHILD and she hadn't slept well. She hadn't hunted well either. She... she almost didn't want to.

All she saw was lightning.

And normally it was fine. It should have been fine! She had controlled it! She had been the one who wanted to kill them--? NO! She had done everything she could NOT TO!

Then why, Madhukar, why did it require that strange deer to shift REALITY just to save it them? Had it been shifting reality? Wasn't that all magic? Not ALL. Not YOURS. Death is a part of normal reality Madhukar, and it seems YOU are a HARBINGER OF IT--

SHUT UP!

She wasn't a bringer of death. She was a bringer of... OF. WHAT. WHAT DO YOU BRING TO PEOPLE MADHUKAR? WHAT DO YOU GIVE TO OTHERS? Whatever she darn well PLEASED! ALL THAT YOU PLEASE IS FOR OTHERS TO PUT UP WITH THE DESTRUCTION YOU CAUSE, MADHUKAR!!!

Every storm began with rain. So, too, would this one. It was a clashing; violent contradictions. On one paw, she wanted to be thrilled because she could control LIGHTNING and she could do it well, even after her Transcendence. On the other, she was just... she just-- she couldn't stand it. She had never been opposed to violence before. Fighting, rage, those were methods of control, if used correctly. And some people just straight up deserved to be beaten to a pulp for being awful and absurd. But...

YOU DID TO THAT CHILD EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO TO EVERYONE WHO GETS IN YOUR WAY. YOU THREW A TEMPER TANTRUM. EXCEPT THIS TIME, YOU DIDN'T JUST PUMMEL THEM OR INSULT THEM, YOU NEARED MURDERED SOMEONE.

And thus the rain began. Falling from her eyes, down her cheeks. Exacerbating by the minute, drizzle to a downpour. She couldn't stop. She didn't know why she couldn't STOP. It was torture. Hideous, heinous torture.

She became locked, pressed down in on herself, in the middle of Eridanus. In the middle of plants of many shapes and sizes, trees and bugs and the homes of friends, underneath the gaze of a giant mushroom, Madhukar wept.

And why?

Why feel guilty? She'd never felt nearly as guilty about it as she did now. That child had messed with her when she'd practically begged them it not to. Would she feel the same if she had done such a thing to 'Twisted'? A beat, a moment's pause, where she thought about having the power she had now but back then... A conclusion came swiftly, perhaps too swiftly -- riding on the wind. That would've been a DREAM. To have been capable of so much more than just repetitive, weak electroballs--

THERE. THAT'S THE KEY, YOU IDIOT. CAPABILITY. ALL THIS POWER INSIDE ISN'T FOR OVERUSE. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO GRASP?! YOU THREW A TEMPER TANTRUM AND YOU WENT TO FAR AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE. YOU SHOULD BE CONSIDERED THE LUCKIEST FOOL IN THE ENTIRETY OF THE CAVES FOR GETTING OUT OF THAT ALMOST SCOT FREE LIKE YOU DID.

Almost scot free. The scars were still there, imparted to her by the weird deer. They were much, much fainter than the ones that fluffy probably had. Probably not so fluffy anymore, right? The thought made Madhukar's jaw clamp tight. Then another, tightening it further, screwing in the bolts. Why had it APOLOGIZED? What kind of idiot-- STOP. YOU don't get to call them an idiot anymore.

Madhukar wanted to break down, the melt, to stop listening to the whirlwind of guilty thoughts and falsely righteous, recalcitrant anger and scolding and accusations, barrages of arrows laying waste to her mind. But something wouldn't let her. YOU'VE PROVEN that you're better than THIS, Madhukar. She didn't even know what that meant. YOU TOOK the test. YOU PASSED. YOU can do MORE than COWER IN FEAR of your own POWER. ...

Madhukar's crying lessened, soothed, but her tears remained, slicked across her cheeks. Warpaint. Regret. So what if she could control it? She had gone to far-- GOSH YOU ARE JUST AS FOOLISH AS THE IMBECILES YOU PUNISH! What? WHAT WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO?! She couldn't apologize, she couldn't go back and give that creature a bouquet and hope there were no hard feelings. THAT WOULD BE MORE DETRIMENTAL THAN JUST STAYING AWAY!! And she couldn't have a redo of the ENTIRE situation because-- BECAUSE WHY, Madhukar? BECAUSE WHY? WHAT WAS DONE WAS DONE!

THAT'S RIGHT. What's DONE. Is DONE. So use your HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE HEAD and FIGURE OUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE NOW.

Madhukar forced herself up -- it didn't really feel like her, but she was just going to assume it was her own self. She padded over-- to where she wasn't sure. But she was moving. Stormy clouds, rolling away. A swarm moving onto the next job. A swarm. A swarm.

Bzzzzzz....

The feline heard it then, the rapid wing beats that kept their plump little bodies afloat. And it wasn't just rapid wing beats; it was their work. Their time, their specialty. It was so simple, it seemed. But what did Madhukar know about 'simple'? What did she know about these bugs? Well, a fair amount, actually. All from study. It was honestly a much more tolerable way to learn than having to listen to someone's exposition. The bugs, these buzzy ones, they moved separately, but together, somehow. They collected this... stuff. Madhukar didn't know what to call it, but it often looked like orange or yellow fuzz. These bugs collected it from the plants, the ones that started as 'small specks' and 'got taller'. The colorful ones. And once these bugs had collected that fuzz from the plants, they moved back to their dens. Their dens were cool. Madhukar was pretty sure they made them somehow. Dangling from trees or underneath rocks. The bees went inside, and from there, Madhukar had no idea what they did. But that was... what they did!

OKAY, now that you're done GOING OVER BUG FACTS, can we THINK ABOUT THIS? Gosh, what? YOU OVERSTEPPED the BOUNDS, Madhukar. YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE IF YOU WANTED TO. But you DON'T. SO THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT. Madhukar felt exhausted. Weird, how she had to drag her own self into this kind of conversation. It was really more of an act. Madhukar already wanted what the voices in her head wanted, but thinking about it in this manner helped her process it better.

IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO JUST NOT DO IT AGAIN. This she knew. YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT. ...

Work on it. Work on it. A project for her? One to get in the way of her real goal, yet again? No, it would contribute. She knew that. It would contribute because all power contributed to the goal. Being wild, being reckless with lightning, that wasn't power. That was the fast ticket to getting someone killed. She didn't want annoyances. She didn't want death unless it was absolutely necessary. She wanted less pain in this world. For herself, for those she cared about.

Madhukar watched the bugs and considered. She might've been doing that for a long time now. She might keep doing that for hours more. How to work on it? What to do first? It was all for these little creatures, the beings that brought her endless joy. And it was for those Greaters she'd learned to care for, too.

'Stay in Eridanus because it helps you stay calm and remember your surroundings. Learn to use it. Use it well.'

Once she felt like she'd devised a plan, and like her mind could finally rest again, Madhukar would retreat somewhere comfortable to nap. Everything would probably feel... better, when she awoke. Not perfect, but better. She would never be perfect, but she could be better.

- exit -