NEEEE-OW!

The train passed her. It felt like... it honestly felt like a bit of a miss there. She'd expected something... more.

I mean, it was correct. Obviously. She had to get the words out, "rip" 'em out, if it was something important. Otherwise she'd chicken out and try to run away again. Ah, there it was, the train-- but, agh, no! Think about it! That couldn't be it, could it.

A third try. Train barreling down the track. Every occupant a personal sin of hers, come to take its vengeance. Guilt. She could feel it welling up inside of her, along with the shrieking of panic. It was all visible in that white pup's face. That child she'd nearly killed. Here it came:

'SORRY doesn't reverse the LIGHTNING. SORRY doesn't take away the FEELING in your GUT, Madhukar. Did you ENJOY it?! Blazing your SIGNATURE into that innocent kid? Did it make you feel I N C O N T R O L ?'

Sorry wasn't enough. Saying it quick like a punch to the gut really only sounded worse. There HAD to be more, didn't there? There HAD to be, otherwise... otherwise... 'In that moment, they told you to BEG.' But that still didn't reverse it all. It didn't take away those Lichtenburg figures sketched into their bodies. Madhukar could still feel her own. Maybe this deer could too. The pup... had gotten the worst of it, of course. 'What fixes THAT?' Nothing...

If there was no point to apologizing because nothing could be fixed, then why come here at all? What the heck was the point? And more than that, wasn't there some kind of plan forming in the back of her mind? Why make it if that, too, was impossible?!

"What else?" Her voice felt and sounded so strained, but she couldn't give up here. She couldn't just let it be. Madhukar could feel the looming disaster of such a conclusion begin to haunt her already. That wasn't it. That couldn't be it. Words didn't erase anything. Words didn't fix anything at all. The deer had to know more because... because if they didn't, then Madhukar really was completely and utterly lost. Even more so than ever before.

She couldn't just allow that. She couldn't.

Think "Speak"

@Aran (we can wrap this up after next post i think? maybe? depends on Aran's answer)

The silence settled in but Aran knew the other gembound hadn't left yet. At least without trying to shield themselves from being noticed. Madhukar had already alerted him, though, and he didn't see how she would get away without being noticed. He knew the other gembound didn't leave because she was asking for help. She seemed.... pretty normal in the fact of asking for help didn't mean you ran away right after getting another answer. Especially not that she'd not actually told him what she needed help with in the first place.

What else? rang through his ears.

She'd still not told him what she was asking help for. But it sounded like she needed help... talking to someone. Aran wasn't the best at that. He hadn't apologized to anyone ever.

"You need to tell me what you're needing help with for me to properly tell you how to do things."

@Madhukar [Sorry lol,,, but Aran has no idea what he's supposed to be doing here - if you need to wrap up quickly we can but i figured doing a couple more replies wouldn't hurt?]

The deer didn't... know what she was asking. Great. She had tried to be sparse with her words for a reason, but-- 'This is exactly why you need help, Madhukar. You get mad at someone for NOT UNDERSTANDING YOU INSTANTLY. You hate the pain you cause others, it APPEARS, so why do you KEEP CAUSING IT? And...' And what? 'What do you need help with here? What could this person POSSIBLY give to you that you need?' Hm...

When she had nearly killed Comet (you monster), this one had been here to save Comet. And then... they punished Madhukar. They gave her part of the wound. She could still feel it, the Lichtenburg figure, ever so faint on her side. It made her realize what she was doing. When she wanted to be disconnected, it anchored her to reality, showed her what she had done (in a very real sense). Madhukar had gone looking for that feeling again... she had attacked a monster leagues above her in power, or so it had seemed, and she had found that pain again, for certain. But it hadn't come with the same reward.

How did she get that again? 'Is that really what you want?' I mean, why SHOULDN'T it be? Isn't that what she deserved? Wouldn't that be some kind of justice? 'Retribution? Sure. But for what?! You feel pain for the rest of your life and Tahi-shei STILL remembers when you nearly killed him. James STILL remembers all the wrong you've done.' She could run, hide, die many times over from her pain, but in the end, it didn't take away the past. And it didn't change the--

OH.

"Th--" No. How to articulate this? Dang it! "I want..." To change the future. To go back to her friends, to stop the throbbing in her heart, to stop running all the time-- "to change." Things were running off the track now, though. She didn't really need to learn how to change. That was the plan she had, the answer tucked away in her head. How to get rid of that pain, or move on past it; to really feel forgiven... it was selfish, wasn't it? "Be forgiven." Her throat felt sore... "How...?"


"This is Speaking."
This is Thinking.

@Aran

OOC: Sure! It's ok, Madhukar has trouble communicating, hehe. Shall we end at Medium Thread Length? (Madhukar will probably just Go if communicating feels to hard hehe)

More silence, at this point Aran wondered if this one lost her speech like he had lost his sight. Aran didn't think it was possible, unless someone somehow got their throat ripped out (of which you would die or chrysalise) or if your tongue was taken (could the chrysalis do that?), he didn't want to know. Or maybe Madhukar was thinking - the other gembound had all right to think. Aran did it, Tahi did it, he supposed everyone who had a brain would think about the things they were going to say next. Aran wasn't a degenerate, he would let the cat think.

To be forgiven? Well, Aran had no idea how to work with that. He wasn't even in the process of really... doing anything in that regard. He knew how to apologize, but there was no point in doing it if you didn't really mean it. The feline would, at least, it seemed like she would. Especially from the way she seemed to be carrying herself - from what the deer could tell anyway.

"You apologize to the one you want to be forgiven from, say what you did wrong and show them that you can change. It will take time, but if the other gembound was truly someone you wanted to apologize to then you would be willing to try. If they don't take your apology, so be it." He said - it felt gross to be giving advice when he didn't take it himself, but Aran wouldn't ever mean any apology he did.

"To change... You will have to do it yourself. No one can tell you how to change."

@Madhukar
[Fine with me!]

The answer that came now... was exactly what Madhukar had been looking for. She drank the words, choked them down, swallowed. Proving herself... changing... they went hand in hand, didn't they? The only way to prove herself capable of change was to change, and the only way to change was...

'You used to dream of covering everything in sight with a garden. Do you remember that?' Of course she did. The dream had been within her heart and head, her "happy place" of sorts. 'What was the original reason for it?' She was annoyed. She had been annoyed with everything. No one had been enough for her, nothing else could calm her down. She was prickly and selfish, everything in her environment made her want to lash out and destroy something. Always on high alert. Except for when she was around those bugs -- the ones that buzzed and dilly-dallied around colorful plants. She loved to stare at them. Everything felt better when she could hear them or see them somehow. 'You wanted to change the world to your liking. You wanted to feel calmer because you figured you deserved it. Well now... I think you NEED it.' That stung. 'There is no better way to ease your nerves.'

She needed to start a garden. 'It will be your creation. Something you make instead of something you destroy.' Protecting instead of attacking. Growing instead of blasting to smithereens. It was perfect, it was everything she wanted-- except... 'Don't make it out of hate, Madhukar. Don't make it out of pain. It's your lifelong dream, your tether to reality. Make it a reminder of why you need to be better.' Why did she... how did she change so much from the little angry kitten she had been before?

The only answer in her mind was just... faces. A series of faces. She knew them. They carried around pieces of her heart all the time. Did they even know it? Had she ever... said?

To change, she had to become everything she had wanted to be. In the Hunt, her envy had been made clear to her. And to apologize, she had to say it, and prove it. And to be forgiven... that was out of her paws.

"I get it." This had been helpful. Very helpful. It wasn't specific... it was basic. From these basics, she could formulate a plan. "Th- Thank." It was sincere. Madhukar shuffled behind the rock and collected the rest of her costume elements. She would say sorry... she would "rip the words out of her mouth"... when she was ready. And she would start a garden. She would prove herself.

Madhukar stood up clumsily, still unfamiliar with the balancing act that was this form. She was... glad. The deer had helped her. Madhukar would look at them again. "Thank." Her second and final show of gratitude. Then she would go.

"This is Speaking."
This is Thinking.

- exit -

@Aran

The silence came back again, and Aran wondered if it was because the both of them were bad at speaking. Or maybe the cat was too busy thinking to keep the conversation going. Aran himself did not care - he was giving advice, though he himself did not follow that advice. It was... something he had to think about himself. Why he kept acting like this despite knowing that it would chase off everyone he could ever care about. If he wasn't good, this one could become it. Be granted forgiveness by those around her.

Her thank yous had come, and Aran almost wanted to let the feline know that he was here if she needed to hide, except he didn't, and she was gone. He himself turned to leave as well.

Exit @Madhukar for visibility