There is no greater suffering than constantly measuring yourself and coming up short, except perhaps the realization that your suffering is hurting others.

There was no compulsion when James went to do his trial, no one forcing him or telling him to do so. It was to prove to himself his own self-worth, the road to healing having been a long and tedious one. If he had succeeded, perhaps such a thing could have been achieved. Perhaps if he had succeeded, he could have felt like he wasn't a disappointment.

But life doesn't work that way.


James almost didn't want to come out into the world. He didn't want to face the pity and the disappointment in his loved ones faces, he didn't want to face the fact that he'd failed. Most of his pathetic life had been spent in constant disappointment of his own abilities, and he didn't want to continue.

But alas, his wings twitched, flailed, and then shattered the stone encasing him, and he slid out onto the ground in a heap of limbs, head thunking painfully on the stone. He inhaled and coughed weakly, expelling liquid from his lungs, the tears already welling up. It seemed like moments before that his limbs were frozen, bitten, and bleeding. Feathers falling to the ground as teeth tore them out, his body turning to ice. He almost felt like that now, his heart cold and his throat tight, disappointment choking him.

One foot slowly rose and he carefully moved to lay on his belly, feeling as if a breeze could knock him over. He felt so cold. So... scarred.

"... Hello?", he asked, voice hoarse and weak.

He felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come, and he didn't know whether to be thankful or not. He didn't know how to feel, what to do, so he just lay there, shaking like a newborn, seconds from crying but something holding him back. He was stunned, phantom pains lingering across the scars dotting his body, his eyes slowly glazing over as he just... left. Anywhere was better than here, even if it meant withdrawing from his body entirely.

James' head slowly lowered and lay on the ground, eyes open but unseeing, wet with unshed tears.

@Tahi-shei

Tahi-shei had been nearby, when James's chrysalis had begun to crack and shatter, but then again, he was always nearby when Polaris was involved. It was one of his three main hauntings, especially now as he drifted about like a ghost. But there had been a mental tally going on, and so he had slept in Polaris that night, and was now witness to the sound of breaking rock in the distance. Polaris was not usually quiet, but when one was listening for such a thing, it became easier to find.

He rose to his hooves from where he had been lying, pondering the fungal growth around him in a state of semi-meditation, and drew closer. The shards of the dragon's eye opal were scattered about, the same chrysalis he had visited about a week ago, and apparently he had been right -- because there was James, lying on the ground, looking absolutely miserable.

Obviously, Tahi-shei had to remedy that, so he pushed aside the pensive mood he'd been in. His face lit up, and he bounce-ran towards James, the perfect picture of excitement and glee. "James!" he greeted, his dulling eyes bright through their gently encroaching haze. "I'm so glad you're okay, what happened?" Not that he didn't have a pretty good idea, but that was neither here nor there. He wanted James to say it, so that Tahi-shei could reassure him.

@james

James slowly lifted his head at the sound of hooves, his wings reacting before the rest of him did and flaring out, his tail shaking off the gross, sticky liquid he'd been surrounded in whilst in his chrysalis and flaring outwards impressively.

He looked, half-stunned, staring at his glossy feathers, still beautiful despite all the abuse they'd taken, and he suddenly wished they were on anyone else. He didn't feel worthy of such things.

He looked back towards Tahi and sniffled wetly, forced to come back to himself, forced to stare at Tahi, the one person he'd ever felt okay around, like he wasn't slowly breaking apart and falling to pieces. He felt compulsion now, but he supposed this was better, since you were supposed to be present in your own body unless using a spell.

"... M' magic backfired," he rasped, throat dry, "Th-there were these snakes an' I had to get them to move onto these plates I think... I only g-got one 'cause I was... I was stupid and used my most powerful spell in-instead of just a regular one!"

He felt like his brain was fried from the times the mindscream had failed, and he still felt stiff and numb and like his lungs were turning to stone. He lifted a leg and got it under himself, though something caught his attention. The scars on his body, there were two on the leg he saw, and the more he looked, the more he saw the white spots of skin where fangs had dug deep, some tearing through his flesh as he reared away.

"... He punished me," voice barely a whisper, "Th-the owl... Emuh. He set... he set hundreds of snakes on me a-and they b-bit me u-until I-I couldn't move-"

The Batcats were nothing, Alpha was nothing compared to the fear he'd felt. He nearly died. If he hadn't gone to chrysalis at that exact moment, he would have died.

"I-I can't do it-", he blubbered, trying to get to his legs, trying to run away to Pegasus or Orion to his children- "Are they o-okay?! Are Comet and Peggy okay?"

@Tahi-shei

Tahi was calm, moving closer to James and moving in a circle around him to inspect the horse for changes. He knew that James had gotten his wings, once, upon going into chrysalis. Tahi-shei had remained the same. It seemed that James hadn't changed significantly. He was just wet and frustrated, which the stag could deal with. He frowned as James explained to him, and shook his head. "The more I hear about this owl and his trials, the more I dislike him. You know, he made Madhukar fight thousands of spiders of all things? That was cruel of him, to hurt you like that because your magic didn't cooperate." He would have nosed at James's face, but only just barely reached James's nose, even considering that James had his head lowered. Horses were too tall, he decided.

"They're alright," he soothed, pressing himself gently against James's shoulder. "You're alright, too. I'm glad you're okay now, James." Even if the idea of his lover friend having died made him cold.

He noticed James looking at his body, and frowned. He nosed at one of the bites and a pretty, purple-and-blue slime mold grew over it. It poured out to cover a couple more bites, dappling James and being somewhat painful but no more than when he'd created bandages for James in the past. "There," he mused, looking up at him. "Now, they're pretty. Just like the rest of you." His skin felt hot -- he hadn't really meant to say that last part.

@james

James lowered his head and pressed it against Tahi-shei's smaller head, his legs shaky underneath him as he heaved himself up, wings slightly spread to try and balance himself. He felt practically new all over again, melted down like metal and reformed.

He wished he was smaller than Tahi so he could snuggle into him, but he supposed that being a giant blanket had its perks too.

"... I'm okay?", he mumbled, questioningly, staring at Tahi with a bit of disbelief and a bit of relief, "... I'm not. But I want to be."

He raised a wing to wipe at his eyes, finally noticing the subtle patterns in his feathers. Bands and speckles, browns and blacks that reminded him of himself and of the deer next to him with the cute, fawn-like spots on his back. His head raised, ears pinning as he looked down at the mold growing, disgruntled by more pain already, but they shot forward as Tahi-shei spoke next, and then he very nearly fainted.

"I-I- y-you- you think I'm pretty?", he asked, eyes still a bit wet, but his face was hot and he was clearly flustered, but utterly flattered at the same time.

And even if James hadn't outright admitted it, his fluttering wings and tail would absolutely give away his attraction, his tail fanned out, the four longest feathers twitching a bit as he shifted from side to side, nervous and flustered. Needless to say, he was very much distracted from the failed transcendence attempt, at least for now.

@Tahi-shei

He grinned a little nervously, shifting on his hooves. He needed to find a good way to explain this away, and quickly, because the ice was thin and the water threatened to be cold. Tahi-shei knew, objectively, that James showed some level of interest in him. But Tahi-shei was not Aristotle. He wasn't sure James was ready -- he wasn't sure he was ready. James was fragile and angry and full of so much emotion...

And Tahi, well, he was dangerous. The logical fallacy of making James's decisions for him did not occur to the deer, so he scrambled with, "I mean, uh, y-yeah! You know, the-- the, uh, bird. Stuff. And you're, like, black except in bright light, I guess? And, uh-- purple." He cringed. Rarely was he so inarticulate. "I... like purple?"

@james

James only sounded a little bit like a flustered chicken as he squawked, feathers poofing up all around his chest and neck, making him look like a pillow rather than a horse. He scrunched his neck down into them, flustered, and shifted from foot to foot, eyes averted.

"... I think you're pretty too," he blurted, wings fluttering nervously, "I-I mean... y-you're just... Handsome? L-like in a regal way, and you're kinda cute when you bounce around a-and your antlers always made you look like you wore a crown even before you got this one- and I r-really like your spots and speckles a-and your furs so soft-"

He was rambling really bad but he didn't know how to stop, nor did he want to. Feelings he'd been tamping down were coming out, feelings he hadn't been ready to show- probably wasn't ready to show.

"I just... I just think you're great," he finished, a bit lamely, but he slowly walked forward, tail swishing, ears down as he lowered his head, wanting to bump their noses together and tug Tahi under his feathers and snuggle the ever-loving Hell out of him like he had since... Leo? Before then?

But James refrained, knowing he wanted to take that leap of faith. Despite their shared mistakes. Maybe... maybe their broken pieces could fit together and make something new. Maybe it wasn't falling into a cold river, maybe it was jumping off a cliff and growing wings on the way down.

@Tahi-shei

Tahi-shei was leaning in to the awkward compliments, and then came the mention of the Crown. It was all he could do to not physically recoil, and his ear flicked. Tahi-shei focused on staying totally present. He glanced around for a moment, identifying five notable landmarks in Polaris and mixing James in with them. Then, he considered four different sounds he could hear. Smell and touch weren't worthwhile at the moment, but he focused instead on identifying four or five types of fungus he could see and then returning his attention to James.

They stood on a precipice now, as James moved forward, just barely shy of touching him. But Tahi-shei couldn't do it -- he couldn't take the risk of not learning how to fly. Not with the Crown, not with the spores in the air, not with -- he shifted away abruptly, suddenly remembering that he had business to attend to. "Oh!" He looked back to James, eyes wide. "You remember the Raid, right? Master Vargas has asked me to help him destroy Mother, and part of that is collecting an army." His eyes softened as he looked up at James. "Would you help me? Your fungal magic is indispensable, and you're one of the most powerful magic users I know."

@james

James recoiled almost like Tahi had, his wings very suddenly closing and hiding the beautiful feathers underneath, his tail snapping shut, and the crests on either side of his head falling against his neck, drooping down.

Of course he wouldn't reciprocate. You're utterly pathetic and disgusting- only the most horrible would ever want you.

But unlike Tahi, James didn't know how to come back. All he could think about was that it sounded like Tahi had only came to ask for his magical abilities. Nothing more. And yet he still couldn't stop thinking about the soft, gentle touches they'd shared.

"... I cannot help you fight Mother," he said, looking down, "... I can use what fungal magic I have to purge the soldiers that do, maybe. But you know that I have a family. Comet, Peggy, Kaimana, Leviathan, Sun and Aristotle's children. He left them behind for his son to care for, and that's not fair. So I have to help them."

James breathed out, eyes dull, "... But I want to help. In any way I can. If I can stay away from the fight, away from Mother, but use my fungal spell to purge those infected, then maybe... maybe then I can assist."

'Are there feelings for me in there? Hidden within your freezing heart?'

"Don't push me away," he said suddenly, "Please. You don't have to, not with me, Tahi. There was fungus around my chrysalis, and you put mold on my wounds to h-help me feel less broken. I want to be there for you, and I want to... I want to open my heart, if you'll let me."

@Tahi-shei

He watched James shrink back, and he felt... cold. It's better this way, he soothed himself, despite the awful nausea balling up in his stomach. This way, he can't get hurt on your behalf. He glanced aside, and at the mention of Aristotle, a mixed but distinctly ugly feeling rose up in him. The thing was, he'd never actually met the lion -- he knew that he was James's ex, he knew that he was Comet's dad, he knew that he had died, and he knew that he had left children behind.

Tahi-shei could not fathom why someone who could not bear to keep on living in the world would bring children to it -- it struck him as unfathomably selfish and narcissistic. But he did not like to speak ill of the dead, and so he held his tongue on the matter -- it wasn't his responsibility anyway. Although he had heard enough about Leviathan to find it funny that James was including him in the list of Gembound who needed his care.

He was opening his mouth to reassure James that the alternative was acceptable to him and that he was happy to take James's aid (it wasn't as though he had intentions of actually fighting things, either), but then James was grabbing him by the wrist, and the ice was cracking.

James had not given him a choice in this matter, but as he stared at the horse, scrambling to think of something to say, he decided that he'd probably never had one in the first place. Broadly, he did not think about fate hardly as much as he did when he was little -- hardly as much as he did before the mess with the Collector, when he'd realized that Luck wasn't looking over his shoulder. But now, as he thought about all of his interactions with James leading up to this point, it struck him that this was... predestined.

He felt cold as the glacial winds tore into him, and he stared down at the rock beneath his hooves. It was only ice in the metaphorical sense, and while it was literally unbroken, he could see it cracking. He could feel it as he lost his traction. "I'm scared," he rasped, nearly trembling with it. "You're just... so good, and I'm terrified that I'll hurt you. Or drag you down with me." But it was not a rejection. It was more of a confession.

"I-- I'm so scared I'll break you, i-if I-- say it." He swallowed hard, and realized, now, that the ice had broken.

He looked warily back up at James, expecting cold water.

@james