Content Warning
This post contains potentially sensitive material:

extremely bad self-depricating thoughts, please don't read

Seriously I wouldn't actually recommend reading this. And don't worry, it's not a Vent thread, I'm okay.


'I should love this room.' You should, but you clearly don't. You don't deserve to -- I mean, look! Look at yourself, all of these "yourselves", all in one spot! Look at how they SAG. ALL this TIME and you've gone from an ASPIRING (never forget the ASPIRING) king to nothing more than a BAG OF FLESH. WELL DONE, Alrik! All these IDIOTS in one throne room, all these JESTERS in a true king's court. LET'S SEE who you'll be entertaining.

'You're not making any sense. Nothing make sense anymore and I'm tired.' OOOOH POOR YOU, YOU'RE TIRED. AGAIN. LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST TWO OR THREE CYCLES. You'd think at THIS POINT a NAP might be in order. But you've tried that already, and it's STILL. NOT. WORKING. I don't think you need a nap Alrik. I don't even think you're really tired. It's a lie, just like your ego, and the truth is: there's just something horribly wrong with you. LEARN TO ACCEPT IT.

'How do I do that.' NOT EVEN AN ACTUAL QUESTION. I'll tell you what you do you worthless sack of MEAT. You make more meat. You rip it up until it feels like something, you become ALIVE again. 'I don't want that.' YOU don't GET a choice. DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD.

Maybe it would make him feel alive again. He recoiled at the thought, but somewhere deep down, it gave him just the tiniest spark of hope. The voice should've been swift to stamp that kind of thing out. Was it toying with him? Was he toying...?

Nevertheless, Alrik would look. Couldn't abscond, or throw the blame, or get out of his own head. It didn't work. Nothing worked, he didn't work. So again, LOOK AROUND AT ALL THE MIRRORS. LOOK AT YOURSELF, MISERABLE WELP, DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AWAY. Alrik would look. Couldn't absc-- Hunting for a difference among them. Hunting. For a difference. Among them. Hunting.

They didn't know how long they'd been staring. Something fluttered and they didn't even notice, or they just didn't care. It was in the corner of their mind. The voice never let anything escape though. TURN AROUND. Look back at that thing. 'What thing?' OF COURSE you didn't see it, GOOD GRIEF. THAT THING. TURN AROUND! LOOK!

He turned around. Looked. Caught it move again. Didn't see a thing. His head was starting to hurt-- SHUT UP. DO IT AGAIN. 'Why?' YOU DON'T DESERVE A REASON, you don't NEED one. But if you MUST know, even though you ALREADY DO, there's something in here with you. 'I don't care.' YOU HAVE TO.

They didn't get a choice then. YOU HAVE TO. 'Why does it--?' YOU HAVE TO. Aleph had to. Aleph did. They saw it then. There it was, the shift. Something alive on the wall. 'I see it.' WELL? 'What.' DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, NUMBSKULL! 'Hunt... it?' OH MY G-- OBVIOUSLY. 'Okay.'

They analyzed it first. Its gemstone was visible-- GOSH why didn't you notice EARLIER THEN? SINCE IT'S SO OBVIOUS. Aleph didn't bother answering. Just take the beating and move on. A bat, it looked like. Aleph winced, visibly, horribly. WIMP. All they could think of was-- WIMP. Please please please let them just-- KILL IT THEN.

Wait wait, did it actually have a gemstone? Is that what that was? NO, CLEARLY NOT. IDIOT. Okay. 'WAIT, WAIT, HOW MANY ARE THERE?' It felt like their heart was climbing out of their throat, clawing its way up his throat. They felt like they were gonna vomit. HOLD IT TOGETHER, JUST LOOK OKAY? KEEP LOOKING IF IT SCARES YOU SO MUCH.

Aleph would begin looking, heart pounding for escape. 'Please just be one PLEASE just be one PLEASE--' QUIT THAT. There's gonna be as many as there's gonna BE, and you better be READY.

Panicked eyes scanned the walls, the ground, everywhere they could think to check. Their own reflection seemed to fade away, the threat it posed holding absolutely no competition to the one newly discovered. They couldn't find anything though, and suddenly the negative space of this room felt like cotton, stuffing their mouth and their nose and their lungs until they just couldn't BREATHE anymore. Huffing and panting, whirling in circles, not noticing a single thing until--

The glint of an unfamiliar shape against the wall. It wasn't moving. It looked fake.

Aleph froze, their eyes became their only weapon. This felt like a convoluted way of dying. If it had a gemstone, if it had a gemstone, if it had a gemstone, if it had--

Barely visible. A gemstone, just peaking out from under the wing. Another bat-like shape that looked carved out of mirrors. Glass. Aleph's heart wouldn't stop. Their mind WOULDN'T STOP. The voice hammered again and again, trying to get the court back in order, but nothing could take it anymore. Nothing made sense. Bats, bats, bats, bats, bats, bats, bats-- WOULD YOU LISTEN?! Bats bats bats bats bats bats-- I SAID KILL IT ALREADY.

Aleph raced towards it, hoping to leap up and slam onto it, or maybe just catch any part of it in his claws. They wanted it DOWN, ON THE FLOOR, WHERE EVERYTHING WAS EVEN. They misjudged the leap, everything actually, and ended up running right into the wall. The sound of it seemed to make the bat afraid. It took off.

CONGRATULATIONS, IDIOT! YOUR PREY ESCAPED. BUT YOU'RE NOT DONE YET. FOLLOW IT.

Aleph raced, trying to keep their eyes on the... prize? They couldn't let it escape, they couldn't. It was so hard, among all these mirrors, all they felt like they could see was themself... and it was gone.

NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. FIND IT. FIND IT. Aleph would try, knowing the consequence of-- HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW? YOU NEVER ACTUALLY TOOK IT. YOU RAN. YOU FAILED. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. Nothing made sense, nothing made sense, where was the bat? How many were there?

Aleph kept looking, kept looking, kept looking. Maybe it would all just LEAVE THEM ALONE if they found it, if they killed it, maybe it would go. A glimmer, a glint, another unfamiliar shape. Was that it? Aleph approached with care. Was that it? What had the last one looked like again? Help, help, help, help-- YOU DON'T NEED HELP ALEPH. YOU'RE JUST WRONG AND YOU'RE JUST WEAK AND YOU'LL HAVE TO SURVIVE THE WAY YOU ARE. YOU DON'T NEED HELP. LOOK AT ITS GEMSTONE-- DOES IT HAVE ONE?

Aleph tried looking in the same spot they'd noticed the gem on the other bat. No dice. Looked up. Oh-- forehead. One on its forehead. GREAT NOW KILL IT. Aleph gulped. How...? SAME METHOD, BUT THIS TIME DON'T BE AN ABSOLUTE MORON ABOUT IT.

They considered longer than they should have. Pondered until memories began to surge. Bats, bats, bats, so many, all swarming-- THEY'RE NOT SWARMING RIGHT NOW, SHUT UP. Right now, that didn't meant they wouldn't-- SHUT UP. KILL IT.