ORIGIN

Blackberry was as she always was now - resting, almost flattened to the ground. She usually slept with her head against her back or under her wing, but now it simply lay on the ground, staring at the grass in front of her eyes and at the branches of her cage. She looked dead.

How long had she been in here? A day? A week? A cycle? She couldn't tell. Time blended together. The moments she got to speak with people - Kera, Azure, Rift - seemed to last seconds and the rest of the time stretched into eternity. She had so much time to think, too much time, really. Sometimes shadows would flit around at the edge of her vision, just like they'd done in the cave. Once, she thought she saw him standing there, eyes aglow with love and care and for a moment she was happy and content because she wasn't alone anymore, but then he was gone and it all faded away, leaving her cold and empty once again.

Rift stood by almost all the time, usually standing close enough to exchange some words with her - small talk, really, telling her about what was going on in his Kingdom. Nothing major, but little things. She found herself appreciative of even just that. It kept her mind from flying too far away for her to retrieve.

Now he stood and padded away, exchanging a few murmured words with someone. She couldn't see in her position, but she made no attempt to do so. Not until the gentle voice drifted through the branches did she look up to see who was there. She had thought it'd be someone she knew - after all, this was a good a time as any to make amends or to mock and torment her. But it wasn't. A white owl, fairly young, and unmarred. Keep it that way, kid, she thought to herself, bitterly.

"Yeah," she croaked, "I'm Blackberry. What do you want?" Her eyes narrowed a bit at the announcement of both her species and her involvement with the Kingdom. Was she trying to insinuate something? Was she suggesting something? No, that was foolish. Of course a member of the kingdom would be curious about the random goose they had locked up under their tree. She guessed that her name was famous at this point. The battle had been, after all, not that long ago.

Blackberry narrowed her eyes at the owl, her voice catching in her throat. She'd been talking so much about it since she'd been trapped. Everyone had come crawling up to her catch to ask the same questions. Why? Why? Why? And she'd asked herself - why was she telling them?

She was hopelessly confused, tugged in so many opposing directions that she didn't know which way was up anymore. She loved her family, but she didn't deserve them. She loved them, but she couldn't love them. She hated herself for what she'd done, but she couldn't remember why she'd done them. She wanted to die, but she wanted to live. She wanted redemption, but she knew she didn't deserve it. What to think? What to say?

"I don't know," she started, bluntly. "I can't actually remember that well. I remember doing things, most of it anyways, but I don't remember why. Its like watching from behind a veil - I can see the shapes and things but the details are lost." She lifted her head just a little, the same dead expression regarding the young owl, but a humorless chuckle rippled through her body. "Forgiven? Nobody will forgive me and I don't really want to be forgiven. I don't deserve it. I've done a lot of bad. Like, a lot."

She paused again, regarding the young bird curiously. "Why are you asking me? Why do you want to help? Do you even know anything about me?"

This little owl was funny. Nobody had told Blackberry a good joke in a while and this was definitely a good one, but she stopped herself from laughing too much. She was trying her best, but it was simply ridiculous. She shook her head. "You don't understand. I didn't just kill people. I killed them, revived their stones, and abused the children that hatched from them. I raised a family to fight and kill and many of them were ruined in the head because of it. And some of them are still out there, killing and hurting. There are too many people across the caves, way too many, for me to just "be forgiven." I don't deserve it and they all agree. Just ask Rift over there," she tried to lift a wing instinctively, but found it to be, as usual, sore and hurting. She winced as she pulled it back and instead flicked her beak in his direction.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, you think? Half the caves sees me as an irredeemable monster and I don't blame them much. If you think you've seen insanity before, you haven't seen half of how bad I got. Yeah, there's two sides, and mine was just as bad as the other. I can't remember it all, but I remember how much I liked it. How much I enjoyed hurting and killing and raising my children to do the same. I loved my family...but they never knew that love. Only hurt."

Her words were tumbling out before she could stop them, her voice raising almost to hysterics, body beginning to tremble. "But killing me would be right because if I'm lying to you all, I could just go and kill more! I could start my family again and raise more killers and more and more people would die! Killing me isn't a wrong, its the just thing to do! Don't fight for me to live, just kill me already!" She shook her head, shifting around in her little nest, breathing beginning to become rapid and erratic.

"How do I feel? How do I feel?! I....I!" She froze and it seemed like her entire world had stopped. The emotion that had begun to almost pour out of her eyes suddenly seemed to die and she rested her head back on the ground, every ounce of life and fight draining away in seconds.

"I just want to see Blueberry again," she whispered.

She spoke some more and Blackberry felt physical pain blossoming in her heart. She didn't want to be alive. She didn't want to live anymore. She wanted to die because then she'd be with Blueberry. He was the only one left that she didn't need to apologize to. He was the only one left that still loved her the way he'd always loved her. They'd be happy together again. She wouldn't have to be in so much pain all the time anymore. She wouldn't have to fight. It would be so much easier.

"You don't understand," she moaned. "It is what I deserve. You're the only person shouting to the world that I deserve to live. I don't want to live. Just let me die. It's the only way, the only way..." she continued to mumble to herself, tears leaking from her eyes, barely even acknowledging that Rift had stepped up next to the cage.