ORIGIN

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If something bad happened to Garnet-Delta...

Then it would probably deserve it.

The feline blinked, ruby eyes fixed with that same sort of bewildered stare that seemed to plague it during the entire conversation. It didn't feel like it was getting anywhere with this kid, and no amount of explaining could make this puffin understand the gravity of the situation.

(Caves, had it been this embarrassing when it was little? It remembered slapping itself in the face, but surely it had never harassed anyone else like that..)

"Because it's not fun. You're annoying," Garnet-Delta grumbled, watching the puffin try to wobble around the sharp edges. Maybe he would fall on some glass and solve Delta's problem for it.

Maybe if it shut up and stopped encouraging answers from the kid, it would get somewhere. The feline turned its back on the bird, tail curling around its paws, and hissed. "Go away." A tingle filled its throat in response to wanting to vanish into thin air, leaving it with muted disappointment. Maybe the Sir-Mister would get the hint...? For once?

@Catafay

The puffin chick began to squawk, in a most aggravating and unnatural way. "CIRCULAR REASONING! CIRCULAR REASONING!" Catafay repeated like a broken record, or perhaps more like the siren of a firetruck, come to put out a fire; except this firetruck only seemed to want to start one. "THAT'S CIRCULAR REASONING!!!" Did the chick even know what that meant?! How could it pick out logical fallacies when it, itself, seemed to use them all the time?

The truth was (and this is a RARE time when I'll give you the truth), Catafay knew not what most big words he spat out meant. His brain just... beamed them into his mind. The idea of critical thought was pretty alien to Catafay. Perhaps his brain just lended him a bit of freebie knowledge because otherwise he might as well keel over and die, he'd be so soul-crushingly ignorant.

"You know what's ANNOYING?! When someone doesn't PLAY ALONG!" Catafay liked getting on Garnet-Delta's nerves. It was funny. But also, he was sort of offended. As a game was more enjoyable when everyone followed the rules, a lie was more enjoyable when an audience believed it, and improvisation was more enjoyable when all the actors said 'Yes and', as opposed to 'No stop'.

Garnet-Delta expressed a desire for Catafay to go away. Catafay actually used his brain for a quick moment. Hm... he was getting kind of bored of this one. It had certainly given him a rush to nearly get his whole body cut up! But it was also scary. Garnet-Delta took it too far, and was always so negative. Catafay... didn't entirely understand why, but he figured he could guess. Maybe she was just a bad playmate. Maybe he should listen for his own sake.

Or maybe he should press and see how far he could get.

"I'm gonna teach you how to do this better! Because you're no fun and if anyone else wants to play with you, they're gonna have a bad time!" That's right, a magnanimous show of knowledge!

@Garnet-Delta ((improv classes from a baby puffin))

The squawking was actually starting to give Garnet-Delta a headache. At least it seemed to be keeping literally every other creature in the caves from coming anywhere near the door? That was a good thing, right? Why was Garnet-Delta on babysitting duty of all things? What God had it irreparably pissed off to deserve this hellish punishment?

... Master Vargas, please don't be gone for much longer. Ah, the pleading stage of grief. It closed its eyes, willed for the world to melt away, and... And... Nothing. It coughed, a hairball trying to lodge in its throat.

But it couldn't just ignore the puffin, as he inched closer and closer. And, oh, goodie! He was going to teach it how to play along... As if it had asked for this endless torture scene. With a grunt, the feline pushed itself up to its feet. "Here," a thin, toothy smile stretched painfully across its grimacing face, "you tell me your real name, and call me Garnet-Delta, and I will let you bestow your infinite wisdom on to me. How's that?"

Garnet-Delta was seriously reconsidering its moral stance on children-murder being bad and wasteful thing.

@Catafay

To Catafay's minor surprise, it seemed as though his offer was accepted! In a very... intriguing way. Well at least Garnet-Delta was smiling!! That was a start. Issue was, Garnet-Delta wanted his real name. Aha. What fun would that be, to give that to her so easily, when she'd threatened to kill him three times! Getting her goat was such an interesting show! "I'm uh..." Uh oh, "UHHHH I forgot. I forgot!" 'I forgot' laughed. "I don't know what possibly could've happened to make me forget my name all of the sudden! But I did. Oopsies!" Catafay laughed some more! His tone was cracking a little.

"But you remember your name! Garnet-Delta. The unfun zamboni." What was a zamboni? Stop asking questions the puffin didn't know the answer to!!

"I'm going to give you much wisdom now, Garnet-Delta! I don't need a name to have wisdom." Typically, you needed wisdom to have wisdom. The name-forgotten puffin giggled.

"You just tell me when you're ready! This is gonna blow your mind!!!" The choice, in reality, was a ploy to buy the puffin time. Time... to fabricate a very, very good lie, that was in no way unbelievable at all, and was in fact very down-to-earth and involved half-truths and half-truths only so that it was even more believable than just believable! A phenomenal lie!

Yes, I would consider myself an unreliable narrator at times, why do you ask?

@Garnet-Delta

This wasn't a negotation, and Garnet-Delta could so easily decide that without a name, it wasn't going to play the game. Then again, did it need the puffin's name? It could just call it... Crimson eyes squinted at the gemstone embedded in the puffin's shoulder. It was diamond, right? What was that stone doing on such a useless creature? Oh well.

"Then your designation will be Diamond-Omega," Garnet-Delta declared flatly, deciding on a whim that it would be the most appropriate to name it the bottom rung. "The annoying twerp." It wasn't like he had earned a name, regardless, so it was honestly quite fitting to give it a simple designation. With a flick of the alien-feline's tail, it crouched down, tucking its legs underneath it like a small loaf of bread.

It hadn't signed up for this, but there was no going back. It supposed that the puffin would have to get bored eventually, right? He couldn't keep haunting Delta unrelentingly... he would get hungry, eventually, right? Master Vargas, any time now...

It answered, voice flat and unamused, "I'm ready as I'll ever be." Brace yourself, this was going to be painful.

@Catafay ; we've hit the "acceptance" part of grief folks

To the puffin's utter shock and amazement, this relentlessly unfunny creature who seemed to really lean too hard into the murder thing (very unfriendly), gave him a NAME. And it was a COOL ONE too!!! Well, that made this a lot easier, and if that wasn't a sign of encouragement then 'Diamond-Omega' didn't know what was.

Okay, maybe the annoying twerp part should've counted as the discouraging part, but Diamond-Omega was really, really too thrilled about the name to care.

Once Garnet-Delta claimed readiness, Catafay took a deep breath... and begun.

"OKAY SO the wisdom, which is absolutely, positively, and completely the most valuable wisdom you will ever learn, is that you. Aren't funny. At all! And you need to be because otherwise you're never going to be! And I've learned how to do it from thousands of years spent in constant meditation and training with..." A pause for dramatic effect. "the Three Lords of Humor!"

Diamond-Omega scuttled over to a glass shard and pecked it with his puffy beak. "The FIRST Lord of Humor lived in a tower that was big and shiny and pokey like this one! HUGE!! And it told me that to be funny, you must never say no. Never! You must agree to everything, you must always ride with whatever anyone tells you that you are or that you do, and then you must add to it! And if you're adding stuff that NO ONE LAUGHS AT -- cold-blooded murder, for example -- then you're doing it WRONG! Horrendously wrong! And you should be PUNISHED! By going through all eight realms of the Circus Domain until you don't even understand what funny means anymore and you can no longer breathe! And I went there because I failed, I failed completely the first Test of the first Lord of Humor in the Tower! I failed so I went there and I learned just how unfunny creatures could be and I met a creature named Wobble on the eighth and final layer of the Circus Domain and--"

Another deep breath.

"--WOBBLE told me that you need this stone to go talk to the Second Lord of Humor and left me with some more words of wisdom in a language I could miraculously understand but only when she spoke it and now I still hold the words in my heart but I cannot speak them aloud because they only make sense in Wobble's tongue and ANYWAYS I took the stone and crossed back into the Tower and the First Lord of Humor was waiting for me and I took the test and I passed it and it was an incredible experience that taught me how to NEVER SAY NO! and also how to say things people actually laugh at."

Catafay then drew an imaginary line on the ground with his foot. "SO THEN there was this river made of rocks -- who makes a river out of rocks?! -- and I has to cross it to get to the Second Lord of Humor and I started hopping across but I kept falling and getting crushed and then appearing at the beginning so I found this creature who others could sit on and then it would take them across and I had to pay it with a stone so I used Wobble's stone and it took me across! And do you know why I got that stone? Because I didn't tell Wobble 'No your stone is stupid and so are you!' so she gave me the stone so I had it and I have it to the rock river crosser!!!"

INHALE. Exhale... if only there were any water around so the puffin could remind himself to hydrate. Nevertheless! He would go on. Diamond-Omega crossed his imaginary line and sat down on the other side, putting on the most solemn face he could pull.

"THE SECOND Lord of Humor appeared to live in a rock but turned out to be the rock and it had an expression that looked like the one I have right now! And the Second Lord of Humor told me," Diamond-Omega spoke in the deepest voice he could muster, "YOU, Cat-- I mean, DIAMOND-OMEGA -- thanks for the name by the way I love it! -- MUST MAKE ME LAUGH SO I CAN BE FREE! AND IF YOU DON'T I'LL KILL YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!" Diamond-Omega continued in his regular voice. "So as you can see I had a lot to work for!! I didn't want any of my billion friends to die!" 'Shoot what was the name of my bestest friendiest best friend? Um...' "Especially not Bill, my bestiest friendiest best friend! Especially not that one. Okay so anyways I had to make the Second Lord of Humor laugh so I tried everything I knew but nothing worked! NOTHING! I danced around -- I'm a really good dancer -- and I told amazing jokes and nothing worked!! So I went to a ruler of a nearby city that had once before heralded a hero that could make the Second Lord laugh! And I asked the ruler how, and it turns out the ruler was that hero and they said to me," Yet another breath and a voice change. "DIAMOND-OMEGA! You have to be FALLIBLE! And I asked what? And they said You have to FAIL! And I said OOOOOOH and then I went over to the Second Lord of Humor and fell flat on my face!"

Diamond-Omega cackled up a storm here, then abruptly paused and stared directly into Garnet-Delta's eyes. "That's what it sounded like, see?! The key to being funny is never saying no ever, and also, failing! Embarrassing yourself! Embarrassing others! Failure is fun and hilarious and you should do it more often! How funny would it have been if you'd said your whole--" The puffin tried to mimic Garnet-Delta in a less than flattering way, "I'm A Weapon and You Are a Twerp thing and then tried to attack me and then you'd fallen flat on your face? SO FUNNY! So funny it would make me want to end the fight right there just so I could laugh!!"

Diamond-Omega got up and moved a little to the left. Then he started spinning slowly. "ANYWAYS, after I learned my incredibly valuable lessons about never saying no and failing is funny, I had to get to the Third and Final Lord of Humor!!! And that final Lord's lair was only accessible through one lane, and that lane was blocked by a STORM!!!" Diamond-Omega made some 'storm'-esque sound effects. "So I bought a BOX and it was large and I painted a funny face on it and I took it to the storm and it picked me up in my box and tossed me but in the wrong direction so I got transported to the home of a lizard who lived under a rock. And the lizard said You got here because you suck at swimming through storms! And I didn't disagree because I did suck at swimming through storms. And the lizard said I'll show you how but first you have to make me laugh! And so I tried; I failed, and built atop my failures, until I had this giant abomination of a story that was the funniest thing I had ever made." There was a pause now, although for what reason, not even I could tell you. Maybe just to breathe?

"And the lizard told me to forget it all and die. And I said will that make you laugh? And the lizard said No. So I said I wouldn't do it then! And the lizard said that was also fine. And then there was just a lot of silence." Diamond-Omega looked down at his feet. And then he started to walk away from Garnet-Delta.

"So I forgot the rest of the story but the point is, be stupid! Go crazy, and also go with the flow! And also, I guess... maybe there are just some people that you can't make laugh but that doesn't matter and you should try anyways? Or maybe you should laugh at them? Or maybe you should just leave? That's what I'm doing now. Goodbye Garnet-Delta! I hope to see you agaaaaain~! When you're funnier!"

And with that, the puffin would try to waddle speedily away.

- attempted exit upstage -

@Garnet-Delta ((I am. SO sorry. That I wrote this. I don't know how to spoiler it. If you don't want to read this ENTIRE MONUMENT of a post, don't do it, I'll just summarize it for you, haha!))

Garnet-Delta, currently in the shape of a loaf of irritated bread, listened with all the attention of an impatient school teacher having to sit through yet another half-assed book report.

Which wasn't to say it wasn't listening at all. Actually, it was almost taking mental notes.

Part one: Garnet-Delta wasn't funny. It was a great, horrible tragedy. The cat-alien tried not to yawn, red eyes squinting as the puffin wobbled about, squawking his beak off.

Part two: The story. The First Lord of Humor, and its infinite knowledge, to never say 'no'. There was at least one mildly interesting part to this story, in which Diamond-Omega admitted to failing, and yet it continued to try. It was almost admirable, if not complete nonsense that was entirely made up.

The Second Lord of Humor, who turned out to be a rock that Diamond-Omega had only because he had said "yes and" rather than no, could only be made to laugh by Diamond-Omega's failure, and it was about then that Garnet-Delta had made sense of the story being told.

Diamond-Omega was a failure, and desperate to claw a position as some sort of unholy court jester to be useful with the only thing it knew: being "hilarious". It was rather pitiful. The Third and Final Lord of Humor taught the puffin to be stupid, and crazy, and go with the flow-- which was all reasonable, but more importantly was the knowledge that some people you can't make laugh (read: happy) and that you should try anyway.

... Part three, blessedly, was Diamond-Omega frantically scrambling away before Garnet-Delta decided to murder him now that he had given away all his knowledge. Maybe the puffin had some hidden genius in it after all.

But really, Garnet-Delta was left feeling bewildered, and entirely uncertain what to do with the grand, obnoxious knowledge it had been given. There were glimmers of usefulness in the rambling, but then again, a broken clock is right twice a day and all that.

With a snort, Garnet-Delta watched the puffin waddle away. The only good part of the goodbye was the bye, and the lingering hope to see Delta again when it was funnier made its skin crawl like it had an infestation of fleas.

See you, never, Garnet-Delta hoped in return, though it could almost feel the looming strings of fate snickering over its shoulder. It would be much, much more entertaining for fate if they encountered each other several cycles down the line. And Garnet-Delta now had to live with the knowledge that some obnoxious puffin knew its name, and where it lived, and it almost certainly would be back.

@Catafay for visibility; fade to exit !

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