Kera's eyes remained shut for a long time. In her mind, she was brave. She had to remain brave, even if tears were choking her up. Her thoughts were swarming; in a way, she knew Blackberry deserved not to die-- especially in front of something that considered her, for some reason, a friend --but what would have happened if Kera didn't defend herself?

The goose wouldn't have left her there, surely, to recover. She would have killed Kera and likely went on to kill more gembounds; innocent gembounds even, who might not be able to defend themselves the way Kera could defend herself. Did that make it okay?

Kera still did not know.

Her eyes opened again as she felt Rift come close, but she still didn't move for a long moment. Somehow, she thought that this was beyond a mistake; mistakes were by accident, but you can't accidentally horrifically mutilate a bird in front of her only friend and then leave her to die with her grieving moose-friend crouched over her.

The wolf's mouth opened, and then shut. She kept still for a time, feeling the flora brush against her fur and her face as she kept her head down by her paws. It was comforting in a way; it was comforting knowing Rift was there.

Half-abruptly, Kera pushed herself up, her forehead going into Rift's shoulder. She took a long breath. "I don't know if it was best," she said very quietly, voice wavering. "I don't know if she would have actually killed me or if she was just bluffing or what. She's-..."

She hesitated, grimacing. She pushed her head a little further into Rift's fur, shoulders barely trembling. "She's still a thing like us, like plants and mushrooms and all other things, isn't she? I didn't know her-- she might have had friends and things she cared about and great things she was meant to do."

Kera was beginning to feel a little panicked; she noticed that her chest had tightened and it had become harder to breathe. She flicked her gaze upwards briefly, catching the sight of golden fur she had buried her face into and Rift's den beyond it.

Kera knew she had a friend-- at least one --but she wasn't sure if she could ever admit that. She didn't want to lie but she didn't want to think about it, either. "I can't apologize and I don't think I can fix it. I think I might be bad."

@Rift

Killed her? Rift was a little surprised by Kera suddenly putting her head on his shoulder, but he let himself relax and began to groom her head, just as he had done many times with Sebastian. He listened closely, trying to formulate a response for Kera that would be both gentle and helpful. However, he couldn't stop the feeling of disgust in his stomach. Sure, the bird had been horrible, but the idea of death was horrible to him, especially as brutal as Kera made it out to be.

He sighed carefully and paused his licking. "I know it's not the same," he started, carefully, "But there's parts of the forest that are bad. The plants feed off the others and attack each other to grow bigger themselves. They have to be destroyed if the forest is to flourish. Maybe...maybe this is kind of like that. Blackberry was hurting others. She threatened to kill you. She needed to be stopped. Perhaps it was brutal and perhaps you lost control of yourself, but there's nothing you can do about it now."

He continued grooming, hoping that his words didn't seem too harsh or too gentle. He wanted to do what he could to comfort his friend, but he didn't know if he was using the right words. After all, he didn't know anyone that had killed someone. Heck, he didn't even know anyone who was dead. Well, he did now apparently.

But as Kera finished, he stopped and pushed himself back, making sure he was looking her straight in the eyes. The intensity of his emotion was alarming to him, but it was deserved. "Whatever mistakes you have made, whatever hurts you may have caused, that doesn't make you bad. You are a good wolf that has made bad decisions. Grieve for Blackberry, but do not wallow in your guilt. When you're done, move forward."


___________________________________________________________

"And if it ever starts to feel sad little fang"
Remember that your gifts are your gain.

tags: @Kera
notes: here

Kera still found it hard to breathe, even after she felt Rift licking the top of her head. She shut her eyes, listening with a tense frown as she tried to calm herself down before she began sobbing straight into Rift's shoulder.

She knew he was right in a way; things had to kill to survive. She was sure that both herself and Rift have had to kill before to eat. Blackberry was bad; that much Kera knew already, but by hurting Blackberry in return and hurting her and killing her, was Kera any better?

"I..." Kera breathed unheavily, frowning. "I know, but-- it-- seems wrong. It didn't feel like something that had to be done for the safety of others, it just felt... wrong. I think I'm scared that I'm just like her now-- hateful, and angry."

She shook her head against Rift's fur before he pulled away, grieved. For a moment, pink eyes met green though Kera found she couldn't look back for very long. How could she? She half-suspected that, in the last thirty seconds, Rift's kindness had gone from genuine to thinly-veiling sudden hatred for her.

Perhaps that's why his words had caused tears to spill out onto her fur as the wolf shook her head again. "I don't know if I can stop and move forward. I don't know how. I don't know if I'm supposed to," she whispered breathlessly, unaware that she was-- in fact --wallowing in her own guilt. "It's just-- it's wrong. I wish it never happened."

She shut her eyes briefly, ears flat against her skull with grief. "I'm sorry for putting all of this on your shoulders," she added quietly. "I know it might not be something you wanted to know."

@Rift

Rift sighed and moved forward, offering his shoulder to Kera again. He shouldn't have done that. Pulling away from Kera probably just made her more upset then she already was. He needed to be more delicate - Kera's state of mind was very fragile right now.

"You are nothing like Blackberry, Kera. Blackberry was mean. She attacked people on purpose and wanted everyone to feel bad. She was cruel and psychotic. You're none of those, Kera. You're kind and strong and your a leader. You made a bad choice when faced with a bad scenario that had no good options. Just think about it. If you had refused to fight she would have killed you. If you had defeated her but not killed her, she would have come back later to kill you and keep hurting everyone else. It was the only option, right?"

He buried his nose in her fur, keeping his voice gentle and warm. "The pain is still fresh. Grieve and regret now, let your tears out, but know that you can't change it. Eventually, you'll have to move on."

He gave her pelt a few more licks. "You don't have to say sorry, Kera. I'm here for you whenever you need me." He also couldn't deny that a weight had been lifted off his chest with the news of the death of the goose. He no longer had to fear her return. However, he couldn't tell this to Kera, not now while she still regretted her decisions.


___________________________________________________________

"And if it ever starts to feel sad little fang"
Remember that your gifts are your gain.

tags: @Kera
notes: here