His arms raised, enveloping her in a warm cocoon of safety and warmth. It was just as before, just like nothing had changed. Except... the whole world was different, she was different. Perhaps even Leon was different but she could pretend. She rubbed her head against his shoulder, sobs still wracking from her throat but they were quieter now as she leaned into him, allowing her comforting hold to envelop her like a blanket. His voice cut through the security that she'd felt. He sounded so afraid... He was only mortal, just like she was. At any given moment he could be snatched away from her again. The cave liked to do that didn't it? Set everyone up for failure right after giving them what they wanted.

He apologized to her, assuring her that he didn't mean to. How could she not believe him? It was Leon. He always had been there for her, always loved her... He'd disappeared but it wasn't his doing. He didn't leave. No. He still loved her. He always would. Forever and always. "I know... I know. It's okay, Leon. It's just been so hard without you." All of her walls were tumbling down. Everything she'd built up the last few cycles to keep her inner self safe. Is was caving in all around her at his touch and at his words. "We're together again. Everything is fine." But would it ever be, again? Everything they'd worked towards... was gone.

But then, his words raised more questions than they filled. Protect who? The lizard. She couldn't remember where he was from but she was sure she'd seen him but it was a long while ago and she was all eyes for her Leon, to distracted to piece together those other pieces. "Who did? Who made you sick?" He had to tell her, had to fill her in. Whoever had taken him away would pay.

But first... there were things he needed to know.

She leaned back, eyes peering up into his warm gaze. "Leon... it's been at least four cycles. Maybe more." She didn't know, when she'd first discovered the fact that she was a monster and that everyone she knew was dead --or worse-- she hadn't kept up with the time. "So much... so much has happened. Terrible things." She turned her head away, her own crime coming to the forefront of her mind along with the death of all of their loved ones.

_____________

words| 414-ish
tagged| Leon
ooc| ---
muse| 10/10

"Talking looks like this!"
Thinking looks like this...

After he had spouted his apologies, it didn't feel like enough. Even as Makyna reassured him that it was okay. She had never blamed him for anything, and even when she asked why he had left, it was without accusation. It was... confusion. She only wanted to know. And even despite the lack of finger pointing, the lack of blame, the lack of anger, he felt like there was some great and heavy fault nestled on his shoulders. Like whatever had happened in his absence was his fault because he wasn't there to help. It's been so hard without you. We're together again. Everything is fine.

How could he feel like everything was fine when she said it herself, that things had gone so wrong while he was dead?

He held her in even closer, though his eyes drifted. The thoughts clawed their way into his brain and took root. He should have been there. He should have helped, somehow... He shouldn't have been so weak... He should have put his family before everyone else. Maybe he shouldn't have helped Ghanyarah. This was his fault. She implored him to tell her who had made him sick, but that felt like it didn't even matter anymore. "I don't know. A dog. I don't know her name." Leon answered awkwardly, as though distracted. He didn't even want to think about that anymore. He was plagued by all that he had missed.

Four cycles.

Four cycles had come and gone while he was dead. Four cycles. That was enough for his own children to grow and become adults, to have their own children. To leave them behind. To get hurt. To make matters worse, she only confirmed all the terrible things that could have happened. They did happen, and Leon wasn't there to stop it. He wasn't there to protect anyone.

"Makyna, I'm... I'm so, so, so, so sorry..." His apology was muffled by her fur. He wished he could just push his face into her pelt and disappear into its warmth. That somehow, he could take them away somewhere, where all the terrible things had never happened. He didn't even want to know of them all. He would live in ignorance for the rest of his life if he could. But that wasn't the way life worked - rarely did it ever work in his favor these days. "Please tell me what happened." His words had dropped to a shaking whisper, regretting speaking them just seconds after the breath had left his lips. But he had to know.

Their children. Were they okay? Were they... alive?

A dog? There were many dogs in the cave. That wasn't descriptive enough. She needed to know... but later. She would rack his brain later for details so she could go on a hunt. It should have scared her but she was past being surprised at what she wanted to do to others that hurt her nowadays. She didn't know if he would feel it but there was a resolution there, a coldness in her blood as she thought of the one who'd hurt him. Her revenge, she would have it and it would be sweet. As sweet as the dog's blood would be in her mouth but that would come later for now she just wanted to take in as much warmth as she could before it was all over.

He apologized again, repeating over and over again his regret at leaving her. The apologizes, they helped to wash away what anger there was inside of her but in the end it didn't matter. What had happened had happened and it was already done. Nothing could go back in time to change a thing. "It is fine, Leon. What's done is done... I'm just happy that you are back now." For however long he stayed. Hell, she still wasn't even convinced that this wasn't some sort of terrible dream or hallucination.

His muzzle was in her fur, whispering, asking. Did he really want to know? She'd opened the door but was he ready to walk in and hear about everything? He probably wasn't, probably would be better if she just kept it from him. Perhaps they could live in their own little blissful bubble, forget about everything else in the world while they pretended like everything was okay. Heh... If only life worked that way. He asked, so she would tell him and speak what she hadn't spoke in months.

"Everyone is dead." Her voice sounded aloof, detached as if she were trying to remove herself from everything. To not feel the raw emotion like she'd had in those first few weeks. With him here, she managed to keep it in check to speak and hold in her tears. "Aza'zel is dead. Cancer is dead. Maji Walezi is dead..." She paused, voice starting to quaver with the last words she was about to speak. "Our children are dead." The first ones, not the second generation that she'd tried to fill the hole in her heart with. The ones she'd first bestowed the name "Songcat", the sweet ones who'd been her pride and joy.

But she was not done yet. Not in the slightest.

"The Makyna you once knew is dead... I am a murderer, Leon." Her body tensed, prepared for him to release her when she fell silent and used her mind to show him what she meant. Her magic failed her in this important time but she reached out to something else, something tenuous that hadn't been used since before his "death". The link that brought together their souls, she sent him something. A replaying of what had happened to one of his dearest friends, Arkrael. She showed when she walked into Eridanus, when ARkrael had come at her in an attack and how she'd ruthlessly retaliated and without hesitation sank her fangs into the wolf's throat before retreating. She even showed him how she felt during the encounter... which was nothing, just a blind rage and a selfish satisfaction that she wasn't going to die.

Then, she cut it.

Should she leave? Had she broken him again? Should she leave. Should she go? No. Just like when she wanted to kill herself she was too much of a coward, only this time she didn't want his warmth to fade.

_____________

words| 622
tagged| Leon
ooc| ---
muse| 10/10

"Talking looks like this!"
Thinking looks like this...

No matter how much Makyna forgave him and told him that it was alright, he knew it wasn't. Him coming back couldn't fix anything. It was too late for that now. She didn't even sound like herself anymore - did he still sound like himself, Leon? - she had changed in a way different than he. She'd had so much time to grow and experience all the pain of the terrible things he couldn't protect her from. She was older, wiser, damaged. And maybe the worst part of it was that Leon really hadn't changed at all.

The bear was dreading when she would finally explain to him what had gone on in his absence. In the few fleeting seconds of silence, his mind rolled through everything that could have happened. He picked out his greatest fears and held them at the forefront of his mind and hoped that they would not be the words she'd speak. And yet she did, and when she finally did tell him she echoed with almost flawless precision his fears exactly. His muscles seized and his heart shuddered, stopped, exploded in his chest. Could she feel it? Could she feel the way that fear and shock and grief gripped him all at once?

Aza'zel. Cancer. Maji Walezi... their home, their family. Their children.

Everyone he had known vanished in the blink of an eye.

He hadn't realized how tightly he'd been squeezing her in his arms until he felt her tense up. He'd barely registered the last thing she said; it echoed hollowly in the doldrums, he could have left it. He could have let that one admission lift off into the breeze as he sat helplessly gathering the ashes of everything else he'd lost. But she had to show him. She had to prove it, as if to rub the dirt deeper into his wound.

He watched everything happen through her eyes. He watched her stalk into the jungle and face off against Arkrael - his friend, and hers too. He remembered how she had turned mad at the sight of Clover, and now she lunged for Makyna. He felt every scrape as they threw teeth and claws and hit the ground, felt the heat of blood and breath as they mingled in a flurry of violence. He felt the paralyzing fear of an onlooker and the wild rage of his wife both clash with his own desperate need to protect one that, for as long as he'd been alive, he'd known as a friend. He watched his wife wrap her jaws around her throat, and then it was done.

As the vision faded, he was left staring down at the very lioness that murdered his friend.

Leon couldn't speak anything for the first couple seconds. Couldn't even think, couldn't process what he'd just witnessed. But as it began to sink in, he felt it. Just beneath the surface. It was a spark of something disdained and unwanted, and horribly familiar; it was the burning of a subtle anger, but he didn't know who it was for. It wove itself in among confusion and anguish, yearning to understand why so many of these things had happened, and hating the fact that he could not stop it. Hating Arkrael for losing her mind. Hating Makyna for letting everyone die. Hating himself for succumbing to this hatred at all.

A furious boiling ran through his blood. He was biting it back from appearing at all in his face, in his eyes, but the emotion was there and it stirred a reaction that inevitably betrayed his vain attempt to quell it. A wave of heat rolled from his skin, sweltering, glimmering in the air. Between his clenched teeth flickered a primal, yellow glow, and when he truly felt it, he released her with such fervor that he needed to shift back and rise to his hind feet to reclaim his balance. His hot, magma gaze locked on her, simmering with heartache.

He wanted to blame her, but he knew that everything, everything, was his fault. Because he had gone. This was his fault. It always was.

The way she crashed down everything onto him was merciless. It wasn't out of any sort of spite, no, she could never retain her anger at him but he needed to know. Sugar-coating it all, keeping it from him would only cause more pain in the future. Better to get it all out in the open now rather than wait and make things worse. Besides, he deserved... needed, to know what had gone on, who he was married to, and the things that would be awaiting him as soon as they left this place.

What things must he be thinking? Would he leave her again? Was it crossing his mind now? She was tempted to delve in deeper across the bond, to find out exactly what he was thinking but while she was many things now invasive of his privacy was not one of them. If he wanted to be alone then she would allow him to tell her himself. The thought of him leaving her again though... it hurt and she had to remind herself again that he wouldn't do that. He'd left before through unforeseen circumstances, not because he cared any less. Something could happen again. No. She would fight anything that tried to take him away. He could hate who you have become. There was no answer for that one... Just a fear that this was true.

But no... He wouldn't. She tried to shake the thought away as she leaned into him, feeling his grip tighten. She felt something else as well... An anger. A broiling anger that did not come from herself but was a foreign thing from the one before her. The lioness recoiled, emotionally and physically as she stepped back. Head dipping down and ears pinning in shame. "I'm sorry." It was a stupidly simple thing to say but what else could she do? She was sorry for killing Arkrael, for not being able to hold herself back. She was sorry that he had to come back into the world when it was the most awful. Nothing would ever be as it was before.

"Punish me... Kill me... If you want. It's what I wanted for Cancer." And he hadn't even murdered Leon. "You needed to know everything. You needed to know what happened what's become of everyone and everything. I'm sorry." She shrank down to the ground, eyes lowered to the earth as she cowered before the great boiling bear in his rage. He had every right to be angry. He'd just woken up and here she was filling his head with terrible things, things he didn't want to hear or see... And yet...

They were things that she had to live with for cycles.

But what could be done? Nothing. There was nothing to do. All was in the past. All was done. Nothing would ever change. The dead couldn't be brought back, the past could not be redone.

_____________

words| 488
tagged| Leon
ooc| ---
muse| 10/10

"Talking looks like this!"
Thinking looks like this...

He couldn't even bear to see his wife cower down to the ground, apologizing to him as he had to her. And he imagined that in a way they had failed each other, that Leon had abandoned her and subsequently she had failed to protect everything that they both cherished. They had let each other down. No matter how deeply they had loved one another, it ended in loss. Maybe this was the ultimate consequence of a problem they hadn't seen until now. The reason why Amaria had grown so terse with them. Had he been so blinded by blissful ignorance, he couldn't see how his negligence would eclipse his responsibilities? How his carelessness would undo him?

And had she been the same?

It blackened his heart to hear her implore for absolution of her crimes, because he needed to know and maybe she felt like it was mostly her fault, too. At least they recognized that in themselves, in each other. The heat roiled in his chest the colour of a hundred different thoughts. Yellow with fear and red with anger, and white-hot with grief; no matter how many things he felt, he couldn't find the words to say to her.

What could he say? What could be done? Leon had always thought himself a fixer. He had always wanted to build, to improve, to teach - to heal hearts and encourage smiles - to see things grow. But what could he do now that everything he'd made, everything he'd done, had wilted away and perished? What could he do with nothing?

There had to be something, anything left. Some evidence... at least, to give him closure. Maybe he could keep going with what he had, if only he could find something to start with.

"Is there anything left...?" His voice had fallen to a hoarse whisper, downcast eyes idly tracing the curvature of scattered stones. "Of anyone?" All he wanted to do was see. Like how they had seen what remained of Bevy. His throat tightened; he'd forgotten and though so many cycles had passed it still felt like her death was fresh. Fresh as everyone else's. He slowly lowered himself back to the ground, the heat dissipating with a stinging mist.

His heart ached for home. He wanted to be back there again, with her, with their family. He pried open the emotional channel between them and timidly extended this feeling with fingers enclosed, hoping that she would take it from his hands and lead him away to something. Anything. It was better than having nothing.

She crouched there, waiting on him to say something... anything. Condemn her, yell at her. Anything. But there was nothing. In a way the silence spoke more to her than any words ever could. It was smothering, suffocating, as she tried to escape from it. It was her. It was all her. She couldn't hold herself back. She couldn't do anything for her children except leave them to the cave's clutches. Truthfully she hadn't seen any of their gems but she assumed because the rest of her friends were dead and because no one was in... that place, that her children had also fallen prey to the things that lurked in the shadows. There was no other explanation for their absence. No explanation but death. Finding Leon was some sort of fluke, a mistake that wasn't meant to happen... or perhaps it was some sort of punishment because now she was too far gone, too lost in her own taint to welcome him back as she should be able to. Now their reunion was turned to bitterness and tears with everything that was gone.

His voice startled her from her thoughts but they were not angry and they weren't demanding that she pay for any of the crimes that she had committed. Despite how much she deserved it... He wouldn't give it. Of course he wouldn't. He loved her and he wouldn't want her to hurt her even though she'd done something to hurt him. Her eyes lifted to see the glowing grizzly before her. For a moment her own blue eyes were blank, uncomprehending as she tried to pull her thoughts back from the dark places that they dwelled. Anything... left? What did he mean..? Their gems? Their bodies? A choked sound formed in the back of her throat. The last thing she wanted was to go and see her fallen friends again. Arkrael's dark body as it bled out... Aza'zel's scattered, bloodied feathers and gem... Mau and Cancer's deposits... That room abandoned...

She turned her head away, ears flattening against her skull uncertainly. She almost rejected his offer. Cowardly, she was, and she was not afraid to admit it. She was a mortal, one that valued her own life above others as she tried to keep her own skin in tact. Hadn't she proven that many times over? Proven that she was a vastly selfish being? It shamed her... How could anyone love a gembound as flawed as she was? The answer was going to be no. A lie to keep her own emotion, what was left of it, in its fragile place. Seeing them again might undo all of the walls she'd thrown up, all of the sadness and despair that she'd replaced with hardened anger and loneliness... but then, he reached to her. Inwardly. The touch of such feeling was something she'd not felt in a long while. Even with her three new children she tried to keep her emotions under wraps so this raw sensation reaching into her core... The lioness shied away from it at first, frightened by the intensity but then she challenged herself and took it. His raw emotion, mingled with the depression and anguish she'd been living with for cycles. It was like a drop of cold water, washing over her and shocking her to the core but she held onto it and spoke without speaking, Come... I will show you. She rose from her position and turned away soundlessly.

One look over her shoulder to see if he would walk with her, next to her she hoped, and then they were on their way with the lioness taking them to Canis where most of their fallen comrades lay in pieces...

Forever.

_____________

words| 621
tagged| Leon
ooc| -end thread?-
muse| 10/10

"Talking looks like this!"
Thinking looks like this...

She was the very image of shame, sunken to the floor like the weight of everything that had happened pressed her down there. Leon wanted to fall to the urge to comfort her once again, but he felt rigid. Like his muscles and thoughts and the slough of emotions forbade him from going to her, at least for now. He couldn't go back to her and comfort and protect her like he was meant to until everything else was closed. He needed to know that there was nothing he could do. He needed to see it all before he could start again.

Wordlessly, she bid him to follow, rising and turning in the direction of a familiar tunnel. Leon's orange eyes drifted up to the entrance, vaguely recognizing the entrance, imagining to what distant room it would lead. Imagining what he might see. He was afraid to think of what exactly he would see; his childrens' gems, obsidian and aquamarine, scattered among the bones. It drew a shudder across his spine. Leon briefly squeezed his eyes shut and shook it away; he lurched forward, trailing her on all fours.

As he reached her side, Leon hesitated and peered down at the lioness. He thought of the waves of heat that he had emitted only moments ago out of anger and anguish, how he could have hurt her too. She did her best. It was his fault that this all happened. He was supposed to protect them; her, their family, Maji Walezi. And he failed. As much as he wanted to lean against her and brush her shoulder with his own, he didn't deserve it. Leon sucked in a breath and allowed her to lead, round ears pinned back as his gaze dropped back to his paws. Let him see what he had caused. That was what he deserved.

exit Leon!