Thread is rated M for talk of suicide

She continued to stumble through Polaris, burning pain shooting up her injured legs before, with a finality, they gave way beneath her and she felt flat on the stone, about halfway between the strange rings and the cave she called a home. She was breathing heavily, a bit of panic in her chest. How was she going to get home like this? How was she going to do anything like this? She still needed to tell Aure about what she'd done and the decision she'd made, she needed to restart her life! A second chance!

She sniffled and tried to move her legs but they were so sore, they merely budged weakly as she begged them to move. No, no, she was stronger then this! She was going to learn all the spells in the world, hold every magic possible in her pawpads! She was going to do it! But even looking through her vast repertoire of spells that she carried, she couldn't think of a single one that would help her right now. So she went limp, defeated, glazed eyes just staring ahead where the Spire sparkled in the distance. Is this where it's going to end? Right near where it started?

@Aure

Aure'd torn off in Wilder's direction once he allowed himself to, excused himself from the gathering by the wall for just a moment to - deal with his "girlfriend." The very impression of that made him feel... oddly sick, disgusted. There was something venomous about thinking of such a thing. They were childhood friends that'd grown to revolve around one another's persistent validation and giving exchange; a young King and a cat existing in inescapable orbit. He the pillar and she the moon.

Except... there was nothing good to glean from it anymore.

Until he laid eyes on her, sniffling and collapsing on the floor, the hybrid hadn't realized how much he needed any form of closure. Sharing a loose end between them was painful - and he wanted so badly to suture it, close the wound, put it away, something - ! Curious, pessimistic thoughts rolled through him at that, she may very well just die here. A reason to seek closure, then - no, no, she's taken worse, I'm sure. She'll survive, chrysalis or not.

But... why hasn't she, yet?

Look, and he did. Motes of grey floating in the air, crawling veins of mycelia were revealed by his magic, infesting just about every soil-laden corner of Polaris, the feathers of his own wings - but not Wilder. We're safe. We're not. We are. Aure bit down the weight on his tongue, swallowed it, and strode forwards.

"Hey -" his mouth watered slightly, throat tightening - he not-so-skillfully danced around it, "hey - um..." Bright eyes were watering and he felt himself start to shake inside of his own skin. Run - ! No. She hurt herself last time. The wyvern steeled himself, "is there anything I can do to help?"

("That's not your job," Giggle echoed in his mind.)

He amended: "... do you... want to talk, before you go to sleep? Just... about anything. It doesn't have to be - what happened."

@Wilder

She was silent as she stared forward. It would probably happen any moment now - the heart on her cheek would expand and cradle her gently while her limbs healed from the burns. But...she considered...just...not. Resisting the urge. Letting her body stop functioning right here and now because that was easier then facing everything that she had created, all of the problems she had made in her life. It was easier then fixing things. Besides, when had her attempts to make things right ever gone anything but wrong?

Aure's voice jerked her out of her thoughts and she looked back instinctively, head and ears raising as he got closer. Immediately, her heart began to speed up until it was racing in her chest. Was this happening now? When she was on the floor burned and on the edge of her chrysalis? While she was contemplating just letting her life end now?

"Aure..." her voice cracked a bit as she looked at him. "I don't...I don't know. I wanted to talk but..." She gulped. "I w-was scared, I guess?" Okay, okay, calm down. Her heart just kept beating fast, terrified, pumping adrenaline through her veins. She wanted to run. She didn't want to fight, she wanted to flee, but she couldn't, not with her legs like this.

She looked back and away, eyes desperately looking for something to stare at (not the Spire). As if called by her desperation, a wisp popped into existence in front of her eyes and began dancing in front of her, giving her something to stare at as she tried to piece her head back together.

"O-only if...you want to talk to me."

@Aure

Wide-eyed, alert, staring - she's afraid, too.

Aure tried not to let the pity take hold, muzzle him and keep him in this cycle with his anxieties and fears of experiencing that all over again. That being the catalyst to a nightmarish few weeks, to a delightful addition to his life, to an... emptiness. This was what was holding him down, leaving him afraid of Wilder.

"I was scared, too," he said, a lot harsher than intended - and he winced physically. Shoulders hiking up slightly, subconsciously making himself smaller, the hybrid looked away and repeated - softer, this time, "just... you scared me. It wasn't you, but -" His mouth pulled into a tight line as he gulped again, sighing. "I'm not okay," Aure admitted through that long exhale, wings falling a bit slack at his sides.

"O-only if... you want to talk to me.

I... don't.

"I need to," he tried gently, ears pricking back, eyes glazing and his talons starting to click instead of letting him pace out his anxieties, "we need to. It's better than... dancing around it. I talked to my mom and -" Aure paused, a wheezing breath escaping from his choked lungs. Bright eyes flitted to the amaranth light dancing in front of Wilder - and he mustered up his own incandescent blue one, fixing it in the air; focusing on it for a moment.

Steeling himself in the security of his own magical lights, he tried again, "my mom and I talked about... what happened - she wants to ask you questions, help you... because I -" (Swallow.) "I can't. I can't find the right way to help you. Help you before something else happens, blows up in your face, anything. I - think we're friends, but I can't - because of that."

Aure paused in his rambling, taking a half-step back, worry and shaky composure rerouting to quick, repetitive speech.

"I want to help you - but there's others that can do it, better than I could but..."

He trailed off, staring at Wilder and then his wisp.

@Wilder

He had never talked to her like this. His voice had never sounded this way. Not when she'd blown up, not during their hesitant talk over the last time she'd had an episode in front of him. He sounded so scared and she knew that she hadn't just scared him, he was still scared of her. She'd messed up - hard - and there was no going back this time. There might be no resolving this.

But...she had to try-

No. No she didn't. She didn't have to try. She shouldn't. Because it always ended up worse. She always just hurt him. Again and again or hurt herself or hurt someone else she cared about. She'd tried to help Blackberry and she'd only gotten her killed. She'd tried to help N'chard and only ensured his gem stay lost and unhatched forever. She'd tried to help Reji...and that had turned out worst of all. She always tried to fix things and she always failed.

She couldn't bear to hurt him anymore.

"I don't...want help," she squeaked. "I want to be the one helping. I'm always the one that needs to be pulled up and I just...I want to do something good. I'm sorry...I should never have gone to Cetus. I thought...I had the power to help someone and they betrayed me. And because of that...I hurt you."

She sniffled. "I can't do that anymore. I can't keep hurting you. I'm not going back to Canis. I'm staying here."

@Aure

"I don't... want help."

"I want to be the one helping."

Aure balked, half-step back finishing right then and there, foot falling at the ground and starting an anxious click-click-click! of claws once again. There was a pattern and she - just didn't see it. Perhaps, she didn't want to see it. "Help always comes too late," he chided softly, talons stilling while he glanced at his wisp, urging it just a little closer to Wilder's, "too late to... do anything - when you don't ask for it."

"It's always after - after you do something without... looking to anyone else, without looking after yourself first," his voice softened, (cruelly misplaced) confidence starting to push away his worries, "if you can't ask before, then - it's always going to end in hurt. If you keep going alone, without making sure someone knows or even comes with you... things will happen." Blackberry, the botched trial, the Hive - "you might've hurt me, scared me - and I might not be okay with that, but..."

The young King swallowed.

"... but, it'll heal over like any other wound I've ever gotten. Come to Canis when you wake up."

@Wilder

cw for sensitive content

Wilder couldn't help it - a sob escaped her throat as Aure just...said it. Said the thing she knew, the thing she hated, the thing she wanted to escape. That she, despite trying to do her best, despite training since hatching to have the best magic possible, and thinking of nothing but doing her best to help others...had to rely on everyone else instead. She couldn't help, she was always the one that needed it.

Aure had saved her, taken her from Polaris when the ground had cracked open. He'd helped her when the lizard had wounded her with magic. He'd helped her when she'd lost control of herself, talked her down and helped her through it. She never did any helping. It wasn't fair. All she wanted to do was be useful - to love and be loved in return.

But nobody loved her. Not after everything she'd done.

"You don't get it," she whimpered, finding a sudden need to get to her feet. She struggled for a moment, at least getting herself on her stomach, burned legs throbbing with pain. "I know that. I know that I keep messing up. I know that I can't do anything on my own but I need to learn how to. I can't keep relying on you...I can't I just...I'd rather just me suffer the consequences, not you. I want to help you sometime but I'm scared that I'll just make things worse like I always do, that I'll make some mistake and you'll just get hurt again."

She paused to take a deep breath, still turned away from Aure, but the tears were starting to collect in her eyes and a quiver came seeping into her voice, but the words just wouldn't stop coming.

"This won't heal. It won't. I can't get it out of my head. I wasn't in control, but I saw what I was doing. I saw what I did to you and what I could have done to the rest of the Bonebound and I can't live with that. I never wanted to hurt a-any of you but I did and I can't...I just..."

She ducked, tucking her head between her paws. Her voice came out cracked, a whisper, filled with so much hurt and pain. "I don't want to wake up."

@Aure

cw for thinking about wilder's suicidal ideation and azazel's suicide

Wilder broke down into sobs, and it took quite a large part of him to not just immediately back off, to not just fall silent and let her wallow in that quiet - but, they needed this. Aure needed this, knowing that the little cat understood what her shortcomings were and that while it couldn't be him helping, there was always a chance. Always a hope. Always something to survive for. When Cetus fell into chaos, it was the thought of his family, the Bonebound, his mother, his little darling.

She wasn't listening, and Aure took a lengthy stride forwards while she struggled onto her stomach, deflecting everything he'd thrown at her and sobbing. He couldn't find the heart to be upset, angry - but he cut her off, chirping, "listen to me, please." His brows knit, voice nothing but genuine earnest, trying to get through: "I've never had to deal with repercussions that weren't mine because of anything you've done." (He honestly hadn't.) "You might not want to rely on me anymore, but... but just walking out won't help. It won't get you anywhere but even more familiar with being miserable. No one can teach themselves how to do things on their own."

Wilder continued, and Aure just stated plainly, "it'll scar over. We've all done our fair share of hurt, and we've all - repented for it."

"I don't want to wake up."

Suddenly, his father came to mind: loving to the point of harming himself, cursing himself with a lifetime's worth of wicked self-destruction and the hatred of failures that weren't even his to bear. Facing the broken, furious eyes of his own blood had been what sent him over the edge. His wings could've carried him, saved him - he'd survived so much worse: the weight of Canis's ceiling atop him; Raheerah's flames; the rage of an abused love. Aure knew it all, and he knew it well. It was their stone, after all, that they shared. Aza'zel's bones, too, were storytellers given a flush of magicka.

And here Wilder was, at her breaking point, unable to see any way out but the solitude of eternal rest. She wouldn't be dead, but... she may as well be. Aure's mouth pulled into a harsh line, ears pricking back, "I'm not going to let you give up, Wilder. You'll find your way, you'll get help - just let me take you back home, to Canis. Please. You can get some rest, come out... and we'll go from there."

@Wilder

cw for suicidal thoughts

She looked back at him, still curled tight, still wanting nothing more then to give up because this was too hard and it would be so much easier to just...stop. Stop existing. Go into her chrysalis and never come out. Sleep forever and forget everything. It would be easier then facing things now and having to fix things that she'd messed up so horribly. It would be easier then changing.

But this was Aure in front of her, her best friend. She'd known him since they were kids. He was doing his best to talk to her. He was pushing through that pain of knowing what she'd done to try and help her. Why do I have to be the one that always needs help? It kept repeating in her head, a cycle of self-hatred that just wouldn't stop. Uselessness. A burden on others. A mistake. A failure. It wasn't stopping. It just...kept....hurting.

"We've all done our fair share of hurt, and we've all - repented for it."

She stared at him, the tiniest glimmer of hope in her chest finally making it through the storm of dark anger and despair. Maybe...this is fixable. Maybe I can do it. It would be hard and just the thought of it made her want to keep running, but maybe that was because she was tired right now. She wanted to sleep and stop this pain.

His dedication to her, his insistence to help, despite everything she'd done...it broke her heart. She felt loved, truly loved, even if it was a love that couldn't continue like this. He eyes shone with tears and she gave a small, tiny nod. "...okay." It was small, a little squeak, but she said it and it made her cement it in herself - she would sleep but she would wake up this time. She would try to make things better and deal with all the hurt when she was awake again.

The small determination called her gemstone to begin spreading across her body, the heart shape on her cheek deforming until it covered her whole body in a cradle of marbled pink and black. She was awake for a moment more, consciousness wavering as she cried before she drifted off to sleep.

*exit

@Aure

Pink eyes stared at him, dully bereft at first but... oh, there it was - a twinkle of hope through all that despair; a nudge towards that optimism she was so familiar with and clung to. That was good. He needed that, more than he could've hoped to be aware of. Aure tipped his head slightly to the side, a breath he hadn't particularly been holding emptying out his lungs in time with her meek "okay."

Wilder retreated, and the wyvern waited until her chrysalis was nearly fully-formed before scooping it up in a magical grip and hoisting it a few feet in the air. It turned in the light, gleaming with that "finished gem" look, and he fluttered up to meet it. The little cat was light as could be, and so was her chrysalis. Carrying it was no trouble, all the way to Canis - worried as he was and hopeful that he was.

She'd be alright.

He'd get her settled down at home, and then he'd go off to find Kerberos, Pride - whatever other great magic users he knew (which were surprisingly few.) Maybe Pride knew more...

exit aure