rated M for self-harm, lots of angst, and lots of pain train
this is a private thread — please don't post here!

for those who are curious, the korean lettering is lyrics from
the song Time Spent Walking Through the Memories by Nell

아직도 너의 소리를 듣고
아직도 너의 손길을 느껴
오늘도 난 너의 흔적 안에 살았죠
아직도 너의 모습이 보여
아직도 너의 온기를 느껴
오늘도 난 너의 시간 안에 살았죠
He just flew and flew and flew far from his nest. He found himself within the deepest parts of the Chambers. Where nobody would hear him if he cried out. Azazel would never outwardly admit it, but deep down, a maelstrom of emotion was ever stirring. It was always there, a heavy stone in his stomach, weighing him down. But he was The Bone King. He refused to commiserate with any other. Normally, he would not delve too deep in his own emotions... but it was too much. Recent events only made him realize them even more:

It had been two cycles since Mau was killed.

It had been three cycles since Vraak was killed.

It had been countless cycles since Diabolos, Saudade, and Beau had been missing.

It had been cycles since he had seen his daughter happy.

All this time, he'd pushed this back. He just let the shadows haunt him. Dance in his thoughts and nightmares. Azazel felt the waters surge against the dam. The dam creaked and groaned ominously, small cracks and faults appearing within it. So he hid as deep as he could within the chambers, and he waited. He waited for the dam to burst. For his bastille to come crashing down atop his head. Carmine eyes dulled and he stared blankly at the ground. Slowly, Azazel settled against the wall, back to it and lying in a rather goofy-looking position. And he waited. And he thought.

Before him, he saw the shadows begin to meld into all of the familiar shapes that haunted him and mocked him. But they weren't mocking this time.

They were pleading.

길을 지나는 어떤 낯선 이의 모습 속에도
바람을 타고 쓸쓸히 춤추는 저 낙엽 위에도
뺨을 스치는 어느 저녁에 그 공기 속에도
내가 보고 듣고 느끼는
모든 것에 니가 있어
The first figure to appear before him was almost unrecognizable at first. Then it took form. It was lanky, with an almost hunched look to it. Chartreuse eyes opened, regarding him for only a moment until it closed them once again. He squinted and noticed a chocolate-hued cat's eye jutting from the bottom of the shadow's jugular. Saudade. Azazel's breath hitched, and he had to choke back a ragged sob as the tall figure shifted closer, rocking back and forth. But it wasn't fully grown. Azazel never saw the vulpine as an adult. He never even looked for him whe he vanished. The shadow was that of a gangly pup. The awkwardly deformed shadow loomed over him, still. Those eyes opened once again, haunting and empty.

The Bone King didn't feel the gentle tug of his stone as magicka flitted out from it, filling the air with the pup's voice. Dark jaws parted and out came words, "Woofberhd. Why didn't you look for me?" I want to stop. I want to stop. I want to stop. Get out. Get out. Get out of my he— he couldn't. "I thought you were there for me!" Azazel stared blankly at the floor, unwilling to look up and face the hallucination.

"I-... I wasn't," he croaked in a voice that wasn't his. It was the voice of someone emotionally destroyed. Someone restrained. The walls were crashing down. The flood was rushing in. Azazel was just the unfortunate citizen stuck in the riptide. "Why? Why? Why why why why why why?" The silhouette screeched at him, yearning for an answer. An answer that he didn't have. It continued. It grew louder and louder. More and more distorted. Azazel screwed his eyes shut, tears slipping down his cheek as he lifted a foot. "STOP!" he shrieked. Without hesitation, he drove his sharp talons into his neck, feeling hot blood trickle down his leg. The sanguine liquid bled into his feathers, staining it yet an even darker tone. The shriek of the shadow stopped, and the mimicry ceased. "I'm sorry! I-I wish you were still here. I wish I could search for y-ou. B-but..." Slowly and agoniziningly, he withdrew his talons and dropped them limply at his side.

He fell silent for a moment.

Then he screeched with tears streaming down his cheeks. "I don't even know where you are." Azazel averted his gaze to the earth, and narrowed his eyes to only the smallest of slits. "I-..." he murmured, "don't even know where to find you."